2011 - Game 15 - Sat 13/08 - KSCC 1s v South Petherton

When it’s all on the line, good teams are ruthless in dispatching lesser teams.  Sometimes, teams that are OK manage to do this also.  And sometimes, bad teams get lucky and win as well.  A quick poll of the major sports writers covering Somerset Cricket League Division 2 has established that KSCC fall firmly into one of these three categories.  This unforgiving approach is referred to in coaching circles as The Maddox Principal, named after the famous Jouster Sir Wilfred Helmsley Maddox.  When battling for the favours of the ladies and mistresses of the court, Sir Maddox would approach any match with equal aggression and unyielding voracity, regardless of his opponents skill or relative health.  Through this, he became the most famous and successful Jouster of his time.  Of course, this was the early 1950’s when Jousting was, admittedly, not at its peak.  Also, many of Sir Maddox’s opponents were attacked from behind and possibly were not aware that they were engaged in a tournament instead of standing in line at the local greengrocers.  Regardless, his record speaks for itself and should not under any circumstances suggest that in those days being connected through old money could get you off several murder charges because you played golf (less well than you jousted) with the magistrate.

South Petherton have been having a difficult season in 2011 and they arrived at a grey and dreary Stourhead ground with what looked to be an understrength side missing several players from the encounter earlier in the year.  Conditions didn’t look like favouring any particular approach, but looked like it could rain at any time.  When the South Petherton skipper won the toss, he elected to bowl.

It was some time before they had anything to celebrate.  The Twin Towers had to work hard, typical late week rain had made the pitch a little slow and there was a heavy dew sitting resolutely on the outfield.  Still Sammy G and Ballistic Tomlinson ground away, some of their blissful strokes that would have found the boundary on another day only went for 2 but both batsman looked comfortable against the battery of South Petherton medium pacers.  After a commanding partnership of 115 from 26 overs, Ballistic played loosely and disappeared just short of his 50.  The Anternator strode to the crease and immediately got into stride, working the ball to all corners before unleashing the prototypical straight drives he is known for.  Sammy G was not to be denied, showing that he is not afraid of a six or two and the platform to assault the last overs grew and grew.  Anternator once again found himself undone with the introduction of spin and Sammy G tamely prodded a catch after a great innings.  Impact players Rayzzo and Livewire unpinched the pinch hitting slots, so it was down to The Professor and the demoted El Capitan to bash and scamper the final overs, both men not afraid of being dropped by the fielders to continue batting, to pip KSCC up to 242/5.

Little did we know at tea that the game at that point was almost over.  Snooky took a couple of overs to get going but found booming outswing once it started going.  Tommy B was just too fast and smashed through one opener.  Snooky off cut his way through number 3 and then the bog hitting Boulton lofted one for The Professor to stand under and snaffle.  Livewire Benny took a good running catch to help Snooky out (at one point in the game there were three men standing behind the stumps that had all dropped a catch of The Stranglers bowling, including a regulation chance straight into the bread basket of Your Brave Leader (TM)).  The next few overs saw the only partnership of the innings before The Golden Boy had both men bowled Barton, caught other Barton.  From 50/6, South Petherton made it to 50 all out.  Snooky refused to come off and give anyone else a go, nicking another 2 wickets in his last over to finish with 5-fer.  Just as The Destroyer was getting warmed up, The Golden Boy secured the last 3 wickets in one over and that was it.

It was a flat game as South Petherton are in a pretty unfortunate way at the moment, but the lads got the 35 points which was the main aim of the day as each of our challengers also took full points to keep things as they were.

Batting:

                S Gillatt                 68

                M Tomlinson         47

                A Williams             43

                J Rowe                  26*

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                S Snook                12           1              24           5

                F Barton               5              1              12           4

                T Barton               7              2              13           1

2011 - Game 14 - Sat 06/08 - KSCC 1s @ North Newton

Doing all the hard work and then chucking it all away.  It’s a familiar tale for those of us with a little extra meat in the lunchbox, if you know what I mean, love.  Now, don’t go calling me a sexist or bigoted or stuck in an age time forgot.  It’s not forgotten, my little petal, because I just remembered it!  How often it is that we blokes bugger ourselves doing the hard yakka only to fail stupidly before the end?  Like spending 30 years of your life building a massive gas pipeline with just your bare hands and scraps of metal recovered solely from clapped out Hillman Hunters, only to celebrate with one fateful cigarette.  Or spending weeks coming up with a series of elaborate lies about how you have to work late on a particular night so you can meet that saucy minx Sandra down at the pub only to succumb to a cheeky chilli and garlic kebab on the way home.  Not some of my finest moments, but hey, don’t blame me...blame my primal programming!  You see, my little honeypot, man has been screwing things up like this since he first crawled out of the cave his ancestors had dug out using sticks just as a herd of starving velociraptors charged past.  I mean, what those starving dinosaurs wouldn’t have given for a doner!  

Third is a place that, in former times, belonged solely to Kilmington and Stourton.  In more recent years, the step to second and promotion has been firmly made.  Leading into this weekend, KSCC were a game and a half ahead of third and creeping right up the big hitting backsides of Middlezoy in the race for the Division 2 title.  This game provided a chance to keep the pressure on and eliminate one of the challengers for the promotion places when KSCC travelled to 4^th place North Newton.  The weather was fair with some sun and some cloud about and the wicket looked green.  Unfortunately, El Capitan lost the toss and North Newton had no hesitation in sending us in to bat.

And 2 balls later, he was back in the hutch having been caught at first slip from a bouncy delivery.  Only facing 5 balls in 2 innings might be OK for Sehwag but it’s not to KSCC standard, so it was for the second week in a row that Rayzzo strode out in the first over.  He and Ballistic Tomlinson staged a recovery with contrasting games.  Rayzzo chancing his arm going over the field while Ballistic waited for the chance to unleash the pull on what was an unusually bouncy wicket for SCL Div 2.  In fact, it appeared to have been conjured from a different continent as the ball zipped through with bounce.  Tomlinson became the first of 7 unexpected Mason victims, as likely a venomous serial killer with the ball as a teddy bear.  The next 6 batsmen came and went in limp fashion with a clutch of similar looking soft dismissals.  Whether a soft dab to a fielder, a mistimed pull or a scooped drive each man found a way to get themselves out without troubling the ‘teens.  Rayzzo continued to provide resistance as his partners came and went, but he was also out chipping one into the deep.  Tom Barton and Spencer Churchill provided some small fight at the end of the innings but by the point Snooky decided to embrace his individuality by getting bowled instead of caught, KSCC had rolled over inside 38 overs.  The meagre total of 136 meant that a monumental effort would be required in the second innings.

Things were tight early.  Tommy B was unplayable off a short length as the ball just fired through and womped into Rays gloves ball after ball.  Snooky was working away patiently from the other end, getting a bit of swing going.  The first wicket and the first lift came early with a run out, but the runs started to come as the ball flew through gaps from good deliveries as Snooky searched for a wicket.  Livewire Benny made the next breakthrough, claiming the threatening number 3 by finding the top of leg stump.  The next man came in to play aggressively but he lost his partner, the patient opener and captain, when Snooky swung a cracker of a Yorker through his defences.  Your Brave Leader also fired a yorker through the batsman but, on the way, inside and outside edges from both ends were flying to the boundary and creeping the total required ever closer.  The Golden Boy found two important wickets but they came at the cost of some equally precious runs while The Destroyer played a containing role.  Tommy B and El Capitan returned in the roles of closers with 4 wickets remaining and not many runs to protect.  However, while Tommy B continued to pound in dots his captain leaked runs in two relatively expensive overs.  The game was eventually sealed with an edged 4 off Tommy B, that single shot representing a third of the runs to be taken from his 9 and a half overs.

In the end, another 30-40 runs could have made a very tight and interesting game.  However, KSCC were made to pay for another patchy batting effort.  In previous weeks, 2 or 3 batsman stood up to provide runs but this week we could only find 1.

With that loss, KSCC fell off the tail of first place Middlezoy and fell back into a nasty scrap for second with Castle Cary, with North Newton hanging further back should both teams slip up.

Batting:

                R Rose                  53

                M Tomlinson        15

                T Barton               15

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                F Barton               3              0              17           2

                B Chant                4              1              20           1

                C Hansen             6              0              30           1

                S Snook                9              1              32           1

                T Barton               9.3          4              12           0 (listed as 1 in the records but it was a run out!)

2011 - Game 13 - Sat 30/07 - KSCC 1s v Middlezoy

No big intro this week....I just blew it all writing the hunk of text below this one.  Suffice to say, the chase for the number 1 spot in SCL Div 2 seemed as unlikely to the KSCC first team a couple of months ago as England reaching number one in the Test arena (ever)....but here we are with those possibilities there to be seized by each team.  I have to admit though, I might be a wee bit happier if we are able to keep the charge on and make top spot by season’s end.  I might be thinking about a British passport but I have my soul to consider.

After copping a fair hiding at Middlezoy earlier in the year, it was a KSCC team that was hungry for revenge.  Middlezoy specialist Raymond Rose was selected for a rare first team appearance and was immediately named at his mythical No 3 spot mid week.  Then, on the day, the heart of the Middlezoy team turned up with horrific hangovers in what can only be described as the most ill advised big game preparation since Glenn McGrath stepped on a land mine at The Oval in 2005 during a special John Buchanan live firing session designed to instil in the team the true Anzac spirit.

The ground was very wet, with the remains of the morning drizzle having nowhere to go under warm and humid conditions, not a breath of wind and high clouds above.  Middlezoy won the toss and elected to bowl while the going looked good.

Last year, Your Brave Leader (TM) proved, in a well (self) documented season, that he was a big game player.  This year, he has confounded his fans by being in form more typical of his wider career, and he swung loosely at a very wide and very bad ball to be caught behind off the under-edge for a sensational 0.  This brought the enigma that is Rayzzo to the crease a little earlier than expected, but his surprise was immediately transformed into runs.  He clipped, punched and hoiked the ball to all corners, being severely robbed of runs by the heavy outfield as he and the invisible man, Ballistic Tomlinson, made a solid start.  Mark was running hard between the stumps with his only reward being a lean on his bat at the non-strikers end.   Ray finally missed one in the 10^th over, but it was an entertaining and fruitful cameo of 28.  Sammy G has been the find of the season with the bat and he looked assured from the get-go.  He even let Ballistic face the odd ball or two, allowing him to show that his trademark pull and cover drive were still there waiting to be used if he got on strike.  The Twin Towers eased their way through the Middlezoy bowling attack, keeping out Nemesis Barnard the whole while and maintaining a steady 4 an over to provide a good platform for the final overs.  Sammy G eased a laconic six down to backward square leg to kick off the acceleration.  Unfortunately, Sammy G passed 50 and then became Peacocks first victim, attempting to play a twenty20 scoop through vacant fine leg and losing his leg stump.  It had been an assured and impressive partnership of 113 to leave the score on 151/3 in the 34^th over.  This sparked a typical KSCC collapse, unique in that you never know where in the order they will occur.  Ballistic mistimed a shot for a composed and invaluable 43 only 6 runs later and, before the score had reached 160, Jon Rowe and Ben Chant were back in the hutch having been bowled by balls that kept low and jagged off the pitch, the result of a ball that had developed a high but soft seam in the wet outfield in the early innings.  Duncan Burles fell not long after to the same trick and suddenly Peacock had 5 wickets and all momentum had vanished from the KSCC innings.  The Fabulous Barton brothers tried to get things moving and were successful for a couple of overs, however Tommy B holed out, to be replaced by Spence in the line with hardly a missed beat.  He and an aggressive looking Freddie kept the score moving until The Golden Boy was stumped in the last over looking for runs, bringing an unimpressed Snooky to the crease for the final ball to skilfully sneak a leg bye.  Once again, KSCC failed to capitalise on a good partnership and made a solid if slightly under-par 210/9.

Tea was delightful and both teams emerged onto a quickly drying cricket field to be greeted by sunshine for the first time all day.  Luckily, the ball was still swinging as El Capitan surprised himself, the bowlers, fielders, batsmen and the cows in the next field that form the core of our regular spectators by swapping The Strangler and Tommy B’s ends.  The payoff in the conditions was immediate.  The Strangler found immense swing coming down the hill and Tommy B found movement off the pitch coming up it.  The first reward was the big wicket of Troman, Tommy B slicing straight through his defence to clean up off stump.  Snooky followed not long after, banana-ing a ball through the left handed Warren.  Middlezoy were struggling for runs and, when Tommy B punched through the pinch hitter Snell they had lost 3 wickets and were travelling at less than 2 an over after 14.  The Strangler was back in business, keeping things tight, and then El Capitan and Biffer Burles bowled short spells keeping things under control.  The next spark was Livewire Benny, who bowled with such variation in quality that it could have made a liquorice all-sort 20 stories high.  The boy does not, however, lack for effort when coming into the crease and in the bunch were two beauties, first to remove an injured Laceys off stump and then to have the dangerous Harry Roberts caught from a mistimed drive.  What was impressive was that, in his 4 overs, he had also only gone for 6 runs including a stock Livewire Beamer.  He was very unlucky to be taken off as his skipper was doing overs maths in his head, to be replaced with the returning Tommy B at the same time as The Destroyer started wheeling away from the top end.  This saw Middlezoy consolidate with a partnership between the lusty striking Musgrave and a Nemesis Barnard that was looking to control the innings.  The two started to work Middlezoy back into the game, The Golden Boy once again coming in for some punishment from Musgrave as the big lad looked to hoik him over leg with some success.   The Destroyer proved the difference, taking a caught and bowled that may leave him with permanent disfigurement in the wrist if it could be spotted amongst the already pre-existing permanent disfigurement in his wrist, in removing the dangerous Musgrave for 52.  Barnard was now looking to shut up shop and minimise damage with the tail exposed, the run chase all but given up.  Spence had his second victim from a tremendous outfield catch.  Clapp slog swept Spence out towards the boundary at midwicket when Sammy G completely misjudged it in the fading light and ended up taking a very casual looking one handed catch high above and behind him as he backpedalled at the last minute.  KSCC managed to manoeuvre Nemesis away from the strike for the last over, with Tommy B having the ball in his hand in dark conditions.  Middlezoy were made to pay for their slow over rate earlier in the day as Tommy B blasted his way through 9,10,11 in an exciting last over to securing a 5-wicket haul and full points for Kilmington and Stourton.  Middlezoy were all out for 152.

With the win, KSCC pulled themselves to within 9 championship points of a faltering Middlezoy and also provided some mild disappointment to the chasing pair of Castle Cary and North Newton.  KSCC still have some big games to play, with the next against North Newton, and it will be up to us to make sure we keep the pressure on Middlezoy and don’t let the other 2 into the chase in the last month of the season.   

Batting:

                S Gillatt                 54

                M Tomlinson         43

                R Rose                  28

                F Barton                23

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                T Barton               12           1            40           5

                B Chant                4             1            6              2

                S Churchill            6              -            23           2

                S Snook               12            -            24           1

                

Summer Blockbuster

                The bright melodies of the piano tumbled through the room to fill the spaces between the morose clinking of glasses, grumbled conversation and  scuffing of chairs on the saloons battered wooden floor, but even as it cascaded over the gathered men it could not withstand the oppressive heat that flowed from outside and through the walls like they weren’t even there.  Those that clustered in this old gold town lived in a purgatory between past glories and the hope of future fortune, but today the town struggled to survive from one day to the next against all that the world and it’s uncaring inhabitants dared to throw at it, living on scraps and false victories.

                There was the faint sound of a scuffle outside, struggling valiantly to be heard over the noise and cacophony of the saloon, which drew a few sideways glances towards the still saloon doors that acted as flimsy sentries against the outside world.  Then, suddenly, they were thrown open and in burst a scruffy young rogue.  This on its own did not command any special attention, the town was full of ruffians and thieves looking to find their way, mostly boys too young to remember the good old days.  A large number of the occupants turned back to their drinks and conversations, but those more observant took a slightly closer look.  This was no boy, there was something darker in his beady little eyes, something that spoke volumes about the hurt and pain in the universe.

                The piano stopped.

“Has anyone seen Shane Warne?”, he yelped aimlessly into the room.  There was no response.  He grabbed a nearby chair, dragged it to the doorway and stood on it so that he could see above the heads of the congregation.

                “I said has anyone seen Shane Warne?” he tried once more, a little louder than before.

                “You’re joking, mate”, replied a non-descript man sat in the corner.  “He hasn’t been seen around here for years.”

                “Well that’s f&$ked it all to f&$k then”, the boy-man spat.  His face darkened into a petulant scowl and he chewed aggressively on his gum, looking about the room.  “England are about to become f&$king number 1 in the world and we’re completely f&$ked.”

                The crowd grew quiet.  Together they had endured disaster followed by calamity, but this...no...this was too much.  It was the final sign that their world had abandoned them, that the old days were gone forever and all that stood before them was despair and desperation.  After a few seconds that stretched for hours, the dirty silence was broken by the scrape of a chair across the battered floor boards.  The crowd turned to see a man standing over the poker table, his black hat low across his brow and his clothes hanging from him like rags caught on a barbed wire fence.  He moved his hand slowly to his head and removed the hat, to place it delicately next to his cards and chips.  A gasp pinballed it’s way through elements of the gathering.  The ‘man’ that stood before them was a facsimile of a man, an almost person, a robot that may have remained undetected from the corner of the eye but which did not stand up to the direct scrutiny of reality.

                “I’m right here, Punter”, it spoke.  Now the entire mass gasped in astonishment.  None dared to think it true, that this thing could be all that was left of the hero they had worshipped for so long.  It was another kick too much to bear.  The saloon doors swept open on their own, forced apart as all ambition and aspiration burst from the room to race into the empty sky and away forever.

                “Warney?”, the boy-man was as disbelieving as the rest.

                “Yes, Punter, it’s me.”  Only now that he was standing could it be noticed that the floor beneath his chair was scattered with numerous empty moisturiser and fake tan bottles.  His belt studded with diet pills instead of bullets.  Regardless of his scepticism, the boy-man was desperate.  Something had to be done.

                “Have you seen Tugga?”

                The crowd parted instantly and a line of sight was established between the small interloper and a seat at the bar.  Hunched on that seat was a grizzled hombre, his dusty clothes looked worn and battered, as though he had fought through a thousand wars just to get to this point, looking for some peace and somewhere to drink.  His hand gently and deliberately lowered his whisky to the bar top, the two meeting with a faint dull thud.  Slowly he turned, his squinting, wether beaten eyes casting a withering stare that would have any reduced most normal men to their very component molecules.

                “Tugga, thank God I found you....mate, I have to tell you....I’ve really got us into the s£*t this time, f&$k it.  Pup's bloody captain and all.”

The man at the bar continued to stare, the air itself evaporating before his steady gaze.

                “I’m telling ya Tugga, we have to get the old team together again...just one more time.”

You’ve all seen this movie before.  It’s an old boys classic formulae, and maybe the only one left for the rest of the world beyond these drizzly shores.

-          Tugga reluctantly straps his pads back on one more time, even though he struggles to walk and can’t get out of bed most mornings.

-          Warney goes back to his own place and, while Liz is sleeping, goes into the basement, takes a key from around his neck and unlocks a old trunk full of beer, cigarettes and baked beans.

-          Punter finds JL working as a human crash test dummy and he immediately says yes before running around in circles for 15 minutes.

-          Tugga has a long talk with Haydo’s over a campfire in the Queensland wilderness before they are attacked by 5 giant feral pigs which Haydo’s takes out with his bare hands

-          Tugga finds Damian Martyn doing whatever it is that Damian Martyn does (this section only appears in the Directors Cut)

-          Punter has to track down Junior who hasn’t spoken to Tugga for years because of <insert some crap family argument here, unlikely to be sleeping with wife>.  Punter must help the two reconcile their differences but in fact makes things worse because of his astonishingly bad interpersonal skills.  Eventually, gambling debt forces Junior to accept the offer and he and his brother have a manly but emotional hug on the SCG square

-          Punter tracks down Gilly, who has taken a job with NASA.  He is responsible for launching cricket ball sized components from Cape Canaveral at the International Space Station since the closure of the Space Shuttle programme.  His tools of choice are a Puma Ballistic cricket bat and a stock bowling machine set to “Andy Caddick”

-          Punter flicks on the TV to see Binga still playing in the Big Bash for Sydney Lollapalooza

-          Punter turns to  a satanic cult so that he can descend to Hell and save Dizzy from his desk job as a minor demon

-          Tugga stakes out Pigeons hairdresser (which he has been using since 1983) and eventually corners him.  Pigeon says that he loves his new job, hammering the same rivet into the same piece of metal 100 times a day, but Tugga tricks him into stepping over a boundary rope he has laid on the footpath outside the barbers.  Pigeon immediately starts foaming at the mouth and must be pointed at an English batsman before the entire population of Wagga Wagga is decimated

The last scene is the old boys all striding out onto Lords, the English fans booing and the travelling (from South London) Australian supporters are cheering like mad.  What happens next?  Well, these days we wouldn’t find out until the inevitable sequel but, as long as the entire CGI budget isn’t blown on making Warney look like his old self, it could be a ripper.