2010 - Game 9 - Sat 19/06 - KSCC 1s @ Curry Rivel

The following is supplied to assist with the inquiry into the last reported action of Kilmington and Stourton First  Squad, as recorded by the only known survivor, Signals Officer Lieutenant Don Kennington.  This account is the only account from reliable sources currently known to exist outside of enemy hands.

Date of Action : 19/06/2010

Time of Action : 14:00pm to 19:00pm

Location : Curry Rivel Cricket Club

                The day started like any other on the front line.  The weather was pleasantly sunny, though not too warm, and there was a buzz of excitement around the unit that afternoon.  We were welcoming back Officer Cadet Charlie Pelham (Pellers) from his posting at the Officers Academy.  This was his second stint out of the unit to attend the Academy after last year mistakenly being billeted at a school for hippies, learning how to chain himself to tractors and climbing trees.  He was full of excitement, so Captain Chris Hansen (Skippy) made the decision to organise a foray into enemy territory for that afternoon.  He gathered Pellers, Corporal Ant Williams (The Anternator) and Second Lieutenant Jules Cosby (Sheik) to make a reconnaissance raid on the Curry Rivel lines.  Pellers was taking the place in this group of 4 usually occupied by Lieutenant Jon Rowe (The Professor), who was convalescing in the medical tent having shot himself in the foot for the fourth time this year.  I was able to observe the raid from my observation point several miles away.

                It did not take long for the action to start.  Skippy and The Anternator took the lead and managed to capture one of the opening sentries within moments.  The young lad would have been spraying bullets all over the place if his magazine wasn’t sitting on the table next to him.  Our chaps were causing no end of trouble in the enemy ranks and they were picking off targets and moving up the line at a decent pace.  Unfortunately, just as they looked like getting really stuck in, a round exploded in the barrel of Ants rifle and he had to make his way back to our lines.  The Sheik stepped into the breach smoothly, and he and Skippy made their way into a series of trench fortifications with no letup, clearing the way easily.  I could see their helmets dashing from one corner to the next and hear the brief exchanges of fire before they moved to their next position.  At one point, Skippy went down under a hail of fire, but it turned out he had only been shot through his pant leg and so immediately returned fire.  Not long after that though, Sheik was being helped back by one of the other lads.  Apparently, after so many corners, he misjudged a straight dash and slammed straight into a wall, arms and legs all over the place.  That left just Pellers left to lend a hand, but the next squad was already kitted up and itching to let loose some of the heavier weaponry available.  For a while, Pellers didn’t quite look like he knew which end of his rifle to point at the enemy, and found himself hopping around and hiding in cover waiting for things to die down.  At one point, he looked like he was trying to make a barrier with some tables, chairs and used shell casings.  Skippy finally yelled something in an indecipherable foreign language at him and, like something in an action film, he stood up and started firing from the hip all over the place.  Skippy was starting to run out of ammunition and, having hurled his rifle at the enemy and then tried to cobble together a make-shift catapult using matchsticks, he found himself surrounded and beat a hasty retreat in time for the heavy machine guns to arrive.  However, the operational end time was being reached and so they threw themselves in with abandon and returned almost as quickly.  Staff Sergeant Duncan Burles (Biffer), Sergeant Ray Rose (Rayzzo) and The Professor all waded in but were pushed back.  The Professors bad run continued, as his helmet fell over his eyes and he was struck by a bullet that may have travelled from a skirmish several miles away.  Regimental Sergeant Major Simon Snook (Strangler) eventually called an end to proceedings, lobbing a grenade into an enemy emplacement and the boys all returned full of beans.  Even Pellers had managed to bloody the nose of the odd Curry Rivel trooper on the way.

                We sat down for a meal of gruel and mud, before resuming our defensive positions to see that the other lot were going to do in response.  Almost immediately, there was the horrifying sound of falling artillery shells.  The bombardment was prolonged, intense and accurate.  Private Tom Barton (Tommy B) and Strangler immediately manned their LMGs to meet the infantry that were strolling through the explosions and shrapnel of the exploding earth.  While the rest of us huddled in our fox holes, both let rip.  However, they were almost immediately forced to retreat into their trenches as the artillery continued to rain down.  The Professor let out a minor riposte while Skippy commanded Biffer to set up his heavy mortar on the left flank.  Bombadier Spencer Churchill (Destroyer) then set up on the right flank and, for a brief moment, the shells grew more sparse and it looked like the attack may have finished.  Spencer even saw a man fall under his umbrella of fire and the men of KS 1sts started to rise out of their defensive positions.  However, the fire resumed louder than ever and they were sent scurrying back into their holes.  Young Private Freddie Barton (Golden Boy) was thrust by Skippy up into the fire and he stood firm amongst a withering barrage but still they came.  Various rumours were now flooding through the ranks that aliens had landed to destroy us all, that one Curry Rivel soldier had caught one of Tommy Bs bullets with his teeth and that one of the enemy had unloaded the bullets from his weapon and was firing them out of his eyes!  Anternator eventually stood up and unloaded the last rounds from his sidearm to cover the retreat of the others as our boys staggered off into the smoke, taking down one of the oncoming formation.  Tommy B was screaming to let him back on the LMG but the last thing I saw was Skippy dragging him into a hedge just before the whole area was levelled by one last barrage.

               

                KSCC : 238/6

                CRCC : 240/2 (39.2 overs)

Batting:

                C Hansen                             79

                C Pelham                             64*

                A Williams                           26

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                A Williams           3.2          0              22           1

                S Churchill           7              0              46           1 

2010 - Game 8 - Sat 12/06 - KSCC 1s v Middlezoy

                Mike Brearley is possibly the most famous cricket captain to be selected more for his abilities to defeat his opponents through strategy and leadership than with either bat or ball.  However, this greatly undersells the influence of former Shangai Shangaiians captain Sun Tzu on not only captaincy, but also the general thinking on cricket.  Though he was known to favour cover driving with chopsticks rather than a cricket bat, his treatise on cricket zen called The Art of War was described by Wisden in the 6^th century BC as having “the greatest impact on modern cricket since the invention of the 4 pint cardboard cupholder”.  Among his many musings on topics such as Tactical Dispositions, Waging War and Maneuvering, it is his thoughts on Terrain that ride most striking considering the current predicament of the elite Kilmington and Stourton First Regiment.  To know the terrain and to play to the specific advantages and disadvantages of that terrain is of the utmost importance.  One may not have more knowledge of that terrain than in their own province.  The much discussed “home ground advantage”.  The home ground advantage brings an intimate knowledge of methods to the home teams game…every blade of grass, every bump, every rabbit hole, every large seagull dropping splattered across the wicket is to be nurtured and learned so that, when the enemy arrives, any opponent equal to or lesser in skill and voracity than the home team will be swept aside by the stinging winds of local victory.  Aside from the terrain itself, a home game brings the roar of the crowd for every boundary struck and every wicket taken that elevates the home side into an exalted position reserved for the mightiest heroes of battle or reality television. 

                Kilmington and Stourton hosted friendly rivals Middlezoy in what was a top of the table clash, both teams having a game in hand thanks to the earlier rearranged fixture where KSCC came away clear winners and doing the job with only 10 men.  Middlezoy are an accomplished outfit, however, and a team not be taken lightly.  With Duncan Burles needing a week off after so much bat swinging, local hero Nick Second Rowe turned out for his annual fixture.  The pitch had sweated a little under the covers after a wet week, but still looked good.  Middlezoy won the toss and elected to have a bowl.

                There are few things as daunting as facing a fit and rampaging Nemesis Barnard.  He found instant pace, swing and movement off the pitch…as usual, he was well served by his partner in crime Ben Warren, who’s left arm swingers tied down the openers.  It was a sluggish start to the run scoring, but wickets were being kept intact….until an out of sorts El Capitan smashed one backward of square straight to backward point…possibly the only catch that particular gentleman will ever take in his entire cricketing career.  Unfortunately, most of what follows I have to report by word of mouth as I missed almost the whole thing running various errands.  However, I am assured that what I missed was a partnership of the highest class.  Sheik Cosby-el-Gasper joined the Anternator to repel the Middlezoy attack and raise the run-rate at an alarming rate.  Their rollicking partnership of 101 came in only 15 overs.  The Anternator set about some very batsman-like striking of the ball while the Sheik dug a tunnel under the inner fielding ring and proceeded to sell scented toilet paper to the out fielders.  Bowlers came and went during the run-fest but to no avail.  Eventually, the fun ended when Anter (61) bounced down the wicket to the spinner but miscued to the waiting hands of point.  The Professors horror run continued with a  first ball quacker and, not long after, Jules (37) was out skying a full bunger to fine leg.  In a blow to anti-racial stereotyping groups around the county, The Sheik could be found gesticulating and yelling that it was a no-ball for the next 5 hours and, at one point, threatened to set the umpires house on fire and steal his goats.  His wicket, no matter how lucky/unlucky, put the brakes on the innings.  Rayzzo (18) couldn’t find anyone to rebuild the innings with as batsman after batsman found themselves tied up and unable to rotate the strike in the face of the returning Barnard and Warren.  Only a late flurry from Spence and Snooky took the score to 187/9 from our 45.  A disappointing return from a good batting line-up after a stellar second wicket partnership.

                 The early signs were not good for KSCC when young superstar Tom Barton broke down after 2 overs and had to be pushed off the pitch and parked at gully.  Livewire Benny stepped in to fill the breach and secured the first wicket with an off-speed yorker that did the batsman all ends up.  However, the real magic was being reeled off from the other end.  The Strangler set about choking up one end with an incredible 5 consecutive maidens with a precise line and cunning cutters.  He didn’t claim any wickets, but his first 8 over spell went for only 7 runs before he was brought off to be saved for his main opponent, Nemisis Barnard, who he has enjoyed success against in the past.  Unfortunately, El Capitan bowled 2 overs of complete muck and had to be replaced by Freddie Barton.  The Professor has been doing the business with the ball rather than the bat this season and his first 5 overs captured a wicket for only 11 runs in return.  He lost his way a bit in the last one, but the pressure was still being applied.  Spin twins Freddie and the slightly older twin, The Destroyer, captured important wickets without going for too many.  The entry of Barnard saw the return of Snooky and battle commenced.  Once again, Snooky was all over Nemisis and, with Spence nabbing another batsman stumped by Rayzzo the game was on.  However, once again KSCC fell victim to another counterattack and Middlezoy blazed 25 from 3 overs (including 11 from the last Snooky over to ruin his figures).  The game went into the last over but they only required one ball to find the boundary and relegate KSCC to another home loss.

                So this year, we are 5 of 5 away from home and 0 from 3 on our own turf.  All 3 games we have lost have made it into the last over, which is a credit, but on each occasion we simply have not managed to put enough runs on the board to defend.

                Batting:

                A Williams                             61

                J Cosby                                 37

                R Rose                                  18

                Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                S Churchill                           7              0              31           2

                F Barton                               8             0              47           2

                J Rowe                                5.1           2              25           1

                B Chant                               7              0              29           1

                S Snook****                     12             5              29           0

Until next week,

Skippy

2010 - Game 7 - Sat 05/06 - KSCC 1s @ Lydford

Historical Note: The World Cup in South Africa was coming and the Deep Horizon oil well continued to spew oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

         

           What is it that possesses 11 men to walk onto the field, confront another 11 men from another team and enter gladiatorial combat for the simple joy of scoring more than their opponents?  More than that…through what logical maze of religious fervor and cultural what-not must we traverse to get from that little field of 22 oddly dressed gentlemen to a thousand St George flags flapping from every window, pole, ledge and slightly exposed builders butt crack from every corner of the land?   In my most tormented of days, this observation is made sitting in my car on the way home from work listening to Mr Blofeld triumphantly announcing that a spritely Mr Flintoff has just had Mr Gilchrist caught behind…again.  However, it is impossible to escape the relentless sea of red and white currently on display in support of another epic sporting encounter, The World Cup.  A keen sportsman embraces everything from the simple (football, lawn bowls, full contact Solitaire) to the unexplainable (cricket, european handball, Extreme Fiscal Policy) for the pure joy of competition, and I am no different.  It has not escaped observation that our beloved game of cricket shares the same number of players as the football that is now gripping the worlds imagination.  With the constant grab for cash sparked by such ventures as the IPL and deep-sea oil well curling, it seems that the obvious move for the ICC is the investigate merging these two sports for a once a year playoff between the two codes in a seemingly mind-boggling fusion sport I call Socket.  For the last 8 years I have lobbied for Socket as the Esperanto of the sports world, only to be mocked from Wembley to St James, but this year is my best chance yet.  With England defenders dropping like English fast bowlers, it’s only a matter of time before Mr Capello is faced with the prospect of either selecting Sol Campbell or, in a more adventurous piece of genius, Paul Collingwood!  Imagine if Geoffrey Boycott had been standing between the goal posts…surely more triumphs would have followed 1966.  My proposal is as simple as it is guaranteed to succeed.

Socket: The game takes place on a regulation football pitch and played with a  football, naturally with 11 men per side.  Rather than a specialist goalkeeper, each man on the team may be required to goal keep at some point.  The first goalkeeper for a team is nominated at the start of the game and they don the pads, helmet and cricket bat of the familiar cricket batsman.  The game of football then proceeds in the way of a normal football game…however, if the goalkeeper is able to make a save with his bat and push the ball out of bounds, he scores 4 and 6 if it clears the sideline on the full.  If he is able to make the save and dash to the top of the goalsquare, he gets 1 run, however, this obviuosly introduces the chance of a goal being scored while he is running.  If a goal is scored, then the goalkeeper is out and the next designated player must exchange places, don the pads and take his place.  Like cricket, the game is concluded once every teams goalkeepers have been expended and the scores tallied.  Simple!  Of course, this is the brief summary and the actual rules I have compiled run to several awe inspiring volumes but that’s about it.

                In it’s first trial game at the spiritual home of Socket (London Fields in Hackney), the game lasted a marathon 3 days without break.  This was due mostly to no one understanding the rules, only one player having ever had any experience in either football or cricket and a local youth stabbing the football 20 times late on the Saturday night of the Bank Holiday weekend, but it was still a resounding success (if you discount several concussions experienced by players of both sides when the keeper came out to clear a corner).

                 Kilmington travelled to a struggling Lydford with only one change from the team that toiled manfully to victory at wet Long Sutton.  The man who has turned gully (a position that unfortunately does not exist in the vibrant world of Socket) into the most electrifying position in modern cricket, Andy Reid, made way for the return of Kilmingtons man at number 3, Jules Cosby (recovered at great expense to the club after a 9 month search in the deserts of North Africa).  However, the day was more suited to someone studying Oma Lung than Arabic, with humidity high and orangutan sightings all through the Mendips.  The ground looked picturesque, with a thick covering of grass that could have had several Spitfires parked beside it in it’s hey day.  On such a track, KSCC won the toss and elected to bat to try and bat the opposition out of the game.

                The going was quick early from El Capitan and The Anternator.  While the Lydford captain set about bowling a very impressive spell of outswing bowling from one end, his brother was busy leaking runs from the other at a considerable rate.  Anter middled a couple from his new bat that no doubt pleased the young man and has SCL bowlers wondering if any boundary will be able to contain him this year.  However, stepping back and across to the outswing bowler proved fatal and he was gone early.  Jules arrived at the wicket for his first innings of the year also sporting a new bat, and proceeded to barter with the umpire immediately…securing 4 camels and a promise that the first lbw shout would be given not out.  He immediately looked in good touch but was unfortunate enough to find the square leg fielder when solidly clipping a ball leg side.  The Professor showed that he has got World Cup fever (and Brazilian flair, quoting that having a Brazilian was more than a fashion statement but a way of life) in bucket loads, taking a ball from outside leg stump and deftly back-heeling it onto his wicket.  KSCC were cruising along at 5-plus an over but 3 big wickets were back in the hutch.  This early period was punctuated by some sumptuous drives from Your Brave Leader™ with the ball hardly ever leaving the deck.  Biffer Burles arrived to circumspectly strike the form bowler for 6 over his head after being beaten a couple of times (openly admitting to the bowler that the bowler was still up in the over).  Having finally seen off the efforts of T Lamb (who bowled extremely well in a 12 over stint, 35/2 was brilliant considering the carnage at the other end), Your Brave Leader™ once again imploded in the opening over of dibbly dobbly spin, failing to pull a ball off middle stump and once again watching a big score go begging, out for 59.  This brought together Clubber Twins, Biffer Burles and Rayzzo.  Duncans striking was formidable, hitting one mighty, meaty six over the long cow corner boundary into the neighbouring field and then a couple of flat sixes that should, by rights, have killed someone.  At the other end, Ray was middling the ball (though finding fielders a bit more often), and the pair gave the innings a boost.  Duncan was finally out EXHAUSTED b. PAYNE for an impressive 79, and Ray was back in the pavilion for a timely and enjoyable 37.  This didn’t signal the end, as KSCC continued to provide quick runs in the final overs.  The innings closed on a satisfactory 257/8.

                An enjoybale communal tea ensued, and was followed in the traditional manner with the second innings.  KSCC set an aggressive field early, but one of the shots of the day came when the young Lydford opener decided to ignore the close leg side catcher and dispatch a cracking pull shot straight from a Tom Barton lightning bolt.  That would be one of the few highlights for Lydford though.  Tom Barton was pacy, but it was The Strangler turning back the clock from the other end that was the revelation.  Snooky found his persistent line and length and drew block after block from the Lydford batsmen.  In a turn for the books, he also found his way through a couple of times.  He chipped in with a great slips catch from Tommy B’s bowling, and then followed up with the wicket of the handy young opener.  The Professor chipped in with a very useful little spell and, by the time Spencer was due to arrive the opposition were already down and out at about 47/6 near the 20 over mark.  Snooky pounded his way through all 12 overs in a row, claiming 3 big wickets.  This weeks hero was replaced by last weeks as Tom Reid came on to help close out the innings.  Spencer looked dangerous and claimed 2 of the final wickets while the tail was wagging.  The innings (Lydford having been reduced to 10 after the break) was wrapped up with a great catch by Rayzzo, standing up to Tom Reid.  The game was well and truly over, Lydford all out for 119.

Batting:

                D Burles                               79

                C Hansen                             59

                R Rose                                 37

                T Reid                                  16*

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                S Snook              12            3              36           3

                T Barton              7              3              13           2

                S Churchill           5              2              18           2

                J Rowe                5              2              13           1

                T Reid                  4.4          0              34           1

                It was comprehensive, and somehow we didn’t lose any players walking to the pub from the carpark alongside hurtling traffic…so all in all a good day!  This week we welcome Middlezoy and hope to get 2 wins over them for the season.

Cheers all,

Skippy 

2010 - Game 6 - Sat 29/05 - KSCC 1s @ Long Sutton

    Hard graft.  The ability to knuckle down in a tough situation and get the job done.  This, above pure skill or stylish technique, is, among those of us without pure skill or stylish technique, that most admirable of attributes.  This sort of mental toughness is one of those qualities that is immeasurable in pure statistics.  The most recent attempt by reknowned statistician and sports physicist, Karl Wonderbra (a stage name, his real name of Karl Eindershneider was not considered catchy enough for the showbiz sports physics crowd), was discredited when, after several years of research and calculations, he reasoned that the gutsiest batsman in the game today was none other than Ian Bell.  This appreciation of hard work in this most elegant of sports harks back to the original professional games of the modern era, which took place inside the coal pits of Cumbria.  Here, to the amusement of the local landowners who funded the games, each run had to be earned by digging ones way with a cricket bat from one shaft into the next.  Although interesting sport, these games have since been termed the "Space Race of the North" as they spawned numerous technological advances, such as the white cricket ball and the mine canary (required due to the growing popularity of egg mayo sandwiches at tea).
    The Kilmington and Stourton First XI arrived at Long Sutton on yet another wet day.  There had been light to heavy rain all morning and the ground was surrounded with clouds and the distant haze of precipitation on the surrounding hills.  However, the pitch wasn't holding up too badly and a light wind was drying the surface nicely.  KSCC won the toss and elected to bowl to take advantage of the new ball before the rain arrived.
     Tom Barton has been the form bowler of this year, and he did not fail to bring his A-game with a maiden to start.  Meanwhile, The Strangler Snooky took a fair bit of punishment from the other end as the Long Sutton batsman looked for an explosive start.  The ball fair whistled to the boundary in every direction in a mixture of chancy and classy shots.  Long Sutton were moving at more than 6 an over after the first half dozen...but Snooky's tenacity shone through in the end with a couple of maidens and then a wicket maiden to back up Tom's work form the other end, which had also garnered a wicket.  A short rain break arrived and altered the face of the game significantly.  After looking placid and even to start with, suddenly the ball was rising off a length as it punched through the top.  That didn't stop the still positive batsmen from having a fly at Ben Chant and Jon Rowe...and despite Tom only going for 2 an over in his 7, Long sutton had reached an imposing 121/2 in the 22nd over.  The Other Tom, Tom Reid, then arrived to turn the innings on it's head.  Reid Jr joined the rest in taking a bit of stick in his first couple of overs, but with his 12th ball he found the edge and Rayzzo collected the first of 5 catches for the day.  Usually the Destroy-o-matic is wheeled out to the middle of the wicket by a couple of draft horses and a gravity assist maneuver.  However this week, Spence fairly cartwheeled to the wicket and joined in the fun, opening with a maiden and a wicket maiden.  Tom Reid had another couple caught behind off shorter balls that shot up off the surface and it was game on.  The innings was then put on ice when The Destroyer was joined by the returning Tom Barton.  Spence found back to back wicket maidens and then Tommy B removed the last 2 batsman in the same over to close Long Sutton out on 144 off only 35.3 overs.  It was a remarkable turnaround, with Long Sutton losing 8 wickets for 23 runs in about 13 overs.
     Tea was tasting grand for the reason that it could be eaten inside, but the KSCC openers strode to the wicket knowing that it was going to be a challenge to get going.  The Long Sutton bowlers were perfect for the situation....quickish medium pace, straight and just back of a length.  El Capitan never looked anything other than a limpet and the usually boisterous Anter was being tied in knots with shorter straight balls and an aggressive catching leg side field.  There was yet another rain break before Your Brave Leader(TM) eventually tried a cover drive and holed out at point for a lowly 7.  At this stage, KSCC were weathering the storm at only 34 from 14 overs.  Andy Reid was looking reasonably comfortable but departed when trapped in front.  Meanwhile, Anter was eventually caught out for a chanceless 28.  It was chanceless because, to call the 3 times he was dropped chances is to undermine the very notion that there could be any other outcome than being caught out...a couple of them defied belief and had locals worshiping him as some form of minor deity.  There is no doubt though, that these were incredibly important runs in the context of the game.  The Professor and Biffer Burles had decided that enough was enough and tried to play their way through the conditions.  This resulted in an interesting combination of great shots and blows to the arms and chest.  Duncan took one square in the chest that left an Iron Man like mark at the end of the game.  Jon was caught behind eventually but this only brought to the crease Rayzzo, who was in no mood to tip toe around.  He and Duncan were making great headway before Dunc holed out.  Ray's innings was heroic, and in every true hero there is generosity and understanding...especially with ones fellow stumpmen.  It could only be this charity that led Ray to edge the ball behind and, with the ball dribbling along the ground behind the collapsed wicketkeeper, to park his bat under his arm and stroll away...with Ben Chant screaming at him for a single.  Ben Chant made an instant impact but found it difficult to scramble back into the crease while laying face down in the middle of the wicket (spikes next time young fella!).  Tom Reid arrived at the crease to take positivity into the ultra range, and he and Ray took the scores to level with a couple of overs still in hand.  Ray then attempted to hoik one deep, only to be bowled with scores level...but the job was done.  Tom Barton loves a challenge, and he happily stood at the non-strikers end without facing a ball as Tom Reid smote a boundary to mid-wicket to close out the game.
     It was truly an effort of grit and determination, and I am most proud of our outfit for taking away all 35 points given that the opposition made the most of the best conditions.  Tommy's B and R shared the bowling honours with Spence, and the middle order stood up to be counted this week and sealed the game for us.
    Bowling:        o     m     r     w
      T Barton   8.3     0     15     3
      S Curchill    7     4     14     3
      T Reid         7     3     19     3

   Batting:
       R Rose         39
       A Williams    28
       D Burles       22
       J Rowe         18

     So this week..the weather is grand and we head to lowly Lydford to see if we can't do our trick of losing to the bottom teams and beating the top ones.  Our away record is as impressive as our home record is poor...so our chances of a win are up there.
Until next week,
Skip

2010 - Game 5 - Sat 22/05 - KSCC 1s v Huish and Langport

Historical Note:  The week saw the 70th anniversary of the evacuation of Dunkirk.  The return of the "little ships" was a main news feature for the whole week.

The Big Red Button, The Brain Explosion, The Great Collapse, The Inexplicable Self Destruct, The WTF to end all WTF’s.  We’ve all been there…one minute everything is going well, then you burn your toast and, 10 minutes of madness later, you have accidently flushed your shoe down the toilet and there is a mariachi band playing in your bedroom cupboard.  While that was one hell of a weekend that I will never forget, this form of self combustion is a regular occurrence at the mighty Kilmington and Stourton Cricket Club.  While recent years have been furnished with several notable collapses, the phenomenon stretches further back in modern history.  Only this week, to mark the 70^th anniversary of the event, 2^nd XI fast bowling sensation and club stalwart, Charles Spencer, recounted his personal experiences as several of the lads, amidst machine gun and artillery fire, refused to leave the beaches of Dunkirk until they had heard over command radio communications if the last 7 Kilmington wickets had really fallen in 8 balls.  Arguably the most dramatic collapse was recorded in 1337 when the touring side Valois Venturers ripped through the last 9 wickets of the KSCC side, featuring several young players from the House of Plantagenet, after Kilmington had already won the game and insisting that the last 5 wickets had fallen for minus 58 runs.  Such an obvious case of cheating (though the rules of cricket were still a bit sketchy at this stage) was insufferable for the KSCC committee, and they duly responded by invading France.  This resulted in several very testy fixtures, culminating in a game at the Agincourt Recreational Ground that was also notable in that every bowler coming up the hill had awful figures, usually punctured with arrows. 

                The Saturday in the here and now, 22^nd of May 2010, was magnificent.  I record the exact date so that our brethren may note that, in 1000 years, when they have their next sunny day, it is not the result of impending doom from the Giant Microwave that scientists say has engulfed the Earth.  The sun was shining, the air was warm and both teams arrived at the ground keen to play cricket in weather suitable for such an event.  Fellow promotion team Huish and Langport had started the season with a couple of big wins so it was going to be a day of high competition.  Your Brave Leader ™ won the toss and elected to bat so his team, which only the week before was in danger of being cryogenically frozen to the horror of future generations, did not melt (to the horror of a rejoicing current generation).  The KSCC track was covered in some rough grass but was very hard.  The opposition featured one of the best bowlers from the last year, Mr Shillabeer (my favourite name in the competition).  He started as expected, with pace, accuracy and moving the ball both ways.  Planning on survival in his overs, Ant Williams and El Capitan focussed on pinching runs at the other end from the less threatening partner in crime.  Ant struggled early to find the middle of the bat, but the scoring was maintained by The Skipper with some well struck boundaries reminiscent of his early season form.  Once Ant started to find his way, runs came in a hurry…including a typically belligerent six.  Shillabeer’s first spell was seen off without gaining many runs, but importantly not losing any wickets.  By the first drinks break at 15 overs, KSCC were ticking away nicely at 4 an over without any wickets down.  Not long after the break, Anter miscued a drive that was catching practice for the straight fielder.  Ray strode to the crease and immediately looked out of form.  Most disturbing of all though, was the shiner he had copped from a bail while keeping wicket mid-week.  While there was no swelling, it did look like we was wearing heavy eyeliner on one side….Ray had gone all Emo.  Ray still managed to scratch out a living though, and it was his partner that provided to disaster.  They said it couldn’t be done, but being successful in any walk of life is all about doing the impossible.  In a shot at least 3 shocker points higher than last weeks ultimate shocker, The Skipper abandoned his previously conservative play and pranced down the wicket…attempted an almighty heave across the line to the spinner and was bowled.  Only a couple of overs before, he had been dropped by the same bowler, who muffed the easiest caught and bowled attempt since the One Hand/Rolling on Ground rule was abandoned by the MCC.  What ensued for the next 10 overs was a complete failure to capitalise on a good start.  In 10 overs, KSCC managed only 20 runs for the loss of 4 wickets.  The Professor, Biffer Burles, Sammy G and, finally, Lady RayRa were all dismissed and it was left to another rear guard action to try and salvage some Kilmington pride.  Ben Chant continued to be a role player at number 7, providing instant impact and urgency to the innings.  Freddie’s innings was short but in the right mode.  Tommy B looked as correct as always and Spence had a crack…their great little partnership took KSCC to 140/8.  Not much, but a total that could be defended with some effort.

                Tea was lovely, but Rays wanderlust is still in full force as he ducked off to get some milk only to be stopped at passport control in Dover.  Tommy B opened as Tommy B has bowled all year…at the moment he is top of the class, full of fire.  Snooky was returning from a sojourn in the sun in the North of Africa, but he also stepped straight back into his old mode..pegging away for ball after ball until the batsman see’s the Test Pattern and surrenders his wicket.  Tommy tore through an opener early, then number 3 and then after that it was block city.  Tom beat the bat regularly, with the batsmen dead batting anything straight….Snooky continued to test with a series of dot balls….the fielding was tight….The Professor observed the pattern and devised his formula…and after 19 exceptional overs the score was 35/2.  The Skipper then went looking for wickets with the big guns.  Dunc played his own little game within a game of Great Over/OK Over/Great Over/OK Over….Spence went all rusty gate…and Freddie gained turn but was being nudged around.  It looked like a strategic error had been made as the pair started to form a big partnership that threatened to take the game over.  Then flying out of the clouds/mid-wicket came Tommy B…underpants on the inside of his trousers but made of 100% superhero (with realistic Bowling Action).  The match turned on it’s head with a wicket maiden.  The new closer Skippy came on and duly sent a couple wayward down legside…but pinched a wicket…the bat squirted one out to square leg where Snooky set himself up for a one-handed speccy just inches off the ground.  Tommy B defied the physics of the Kilmington square and bounced the danger man out.  The safety cover was flipped off the Huish and Langport porta-Big Red Button when Shillabeer was run out in a horrible mixup (once again, Skipper and Tommy B combined).  H+L were still swinging when El Capitan cleaned up another batsman and then the game was in full flow when Tommy B nabbed another bowled.  It was thrilling stuff and the KSCC bowlers were pumped.  Each new batsman came in thinking they could hurl their bat to victory…and eventually they did.  Skippers last over went for 5…meaning they only needed one off the final over of the game with 2 wickets in hand for the win…which they pinched off the first ball.  It was an exciting last few overs and certainly everyone knew that they had been involved in a good old fashioned low-scoring ripper.  Tommy B has to take major honours for the game with an outstanding bowling performance…but in the end it was the middle sections of each innings which cost us the game.  Must do better next time.

                Batting:

                                A Williams                       34

                                C Hansen                        34

                                R Rose                           21

                                B Chant                          20

                Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                                T Barton               11.1        5            21           5

                                C Hansen             4              1            18           2

                                S Snook               8              3           17           0

                It was a great fight back, but we need to improve and play out all 45 of each innings at home, as we do when we are away!

See y’all soon,

Skip

2010 - Game 4 - Sat 15/05 - KSCC 1s @ North Curry

Historical Note: On the previous day, Mike Hussey hit 3 sixes in the final over to bring Australia back from a hopeless situation against Pakistan in the World Twenty20.

                 

           KSCC 1’s arrived at the Knapp Cricket Ground to be confronted with a North Curry team working its way through an intimidating fielding drill designed to overwhelm their opposition with abject fear.  Though this Somerset version of the Haka had a distinct lack of stamping and tongue-pokerer-outering, it was certainly well oiled and executed with the sort of precision not seen at Kilmington and Stourton for over 100 years.  In fact, the last act to match it in known history was in 1851, when the 7^th Earl of Cardigan arrived on the field outside Stourhead House with his regiment of eager cavalrymen.  They duly set about a series of complex and awe inspiring military manoeuvres with the intent of outflanking a flock of bewildered sheep and, after surviving a vicious counterattack, were eventually successful, claiming what is now the KSCC Net area in the name of his good friend, Sir Hugh Richard Hoare.  While pointing out to a nonplussed Lord Cardigan that he already owned the land, Sir Hoare also remarked to the King (who was visiting to secret some ill-begotten short selling funds in the family bank) on what a splendid display it was.  The King was so impressed, Lord Cardigan and his merry horsemen soon found themselves on the boat to Balaklava and the rest, they say, is history.  Immediately after the event, leading local batsman and KSCC captain,  Richard Handlebury-Farquarson, was heard to comment that the resulting wicket looked a little ‘tricky’ and, upon winning the toss, elected to play golf.  In this fine tradition, a revved up KSCC unit responded to the North Curry display by mooching around on the square and enjoying the sunshine that deemed to present itself.  As the ground had been secured at the last minute and with not a small amount of anxiety between the clubs in the pre-season about rearranging the fixture, the junior members were duly sent out into the outfield to hunt out errant land mines, pit traps and wives demanding we go shoe shopping.  The ground was declared safe without any substantial casualties and so the two captains headed out to perform the toss.

                With the wicket looking fine but rumours abounding that the wicket might be a little bit mysterious, KSCC won the toss and elected to bowl.  Tommy B duly kicked off proceedings with pace and movement.  The ball, it turns out, was a mover.  The Professor Jon Rowe once again took the new ball and forced the umpire to crowbar it out of his hands at the end of each over.  Both were doing a great job at keeping runs down and taking the odd wicket.  Jonny was even seen at one point standing at slip, muttering away to himself…perhaps channelling the spirit of Snooky (which also might explain the awful euro-techno that could be heard faintly on the breeze)?  The persistent Tommy B was replaced by the wandering spirit of Ben Chant, who duly got the ball to swing away and take a wicket in his first over!  After getting beaten about a bit, he then made way for Spence to crank up the old Destroy-o-matic™ on what was also a turning surface.  Meanwhile, The Professor completed his 12 over spell and, in a mildly hallucinatory state, accepted the applause of the mustered cricket loving crowd.  In fact, this applause came from the thousands of Big D groupies who flocked to the ground to cheer on every time our inspirational Number 11 touched the ball in the field.  While Spence gained massive traction on the Knapp wicket, the burly Midgely from North Curry fancied a serious crack at him and it was a curious contest that saw bat and ball in a Rocky Balboa style slug fest.  One ball Spence beat the bat or squared the batsman up…the next he was clouted into the distant field.  The Big Biffer eventually threw in the towel on 60 when he skied a slower ball from the Skipper high into the cloudless heavens and a catch was well held by Ant who called loud enough to knock over some nearby cows.  Tommy B returned to smash the stumps a couple of times, but the North Curry tail hurled the bat with abandon and some of his deliveries fairly raced to the boundary.  When all was said and done, North Curry had set a pretty challenging target of 202 for victory.  They would have a new ball with which to use the conditions and the full array of fielding drills would be on display for all to see.

                Tea comprised of some lovely scones with jam and cream, complimented with a hot cup of tea laced with diesel.  Immediately upon resumption, the North Curry bowlers had the new ball moving about all over the place.  As per the previous week, the Kilmington top order made promising starts but decided that the best course of action for the day was to chuck their wickets away.  Ant decided to leave one that was a little too close to the stumps (a fairly significant rounding error meant that his mental calculations allowed for only 1 stump) and Ray dangled his bat out to an away swinger.  Having survived being battered and cut to ribbons a couple of times by the young quick, El Capitan then succumbed to the slow bowler attempting to heave across the line in a shot so ugly it would shame a Long Nosed Monkey.  Duncan popped one up and then Jonny fed a regulation outfield practice catch to long on to have the entire top order in the hutch without a major score between them.  Once again, enter the standard heroes of the day, those chiefs of the rear guard action, Messrs Gillatt and Barton (F).  Both settled into a groove and played an impressive brand of watchful and then counter-attacking cricket.  Sammy Gs work through midwicket and square leg completely silenced a very chatty the opposition, while Freddies lofted drives had them gnawing at their fingernails as the required total shrunk at a decent clip.  Freddie eventually holed out looking for another 6 over mid-off, which only worsened the situation for the North Curry rabble.  Ben Chant’s arrival at the crease saw the already solid run chase gather irrepressible momentum with some well struck fours to compliment Sammy Gs growing innings.  With scores tied, Ben Chant went all Mike Hussey and whopped the ball for 6 over mid-wicket to close out another tremendous victory against quality opposition.

                Once again, both sides came out happy with the day (if not the result) as both sides played good cricket at times and each had a chance to take the result.  KSCC certainly benefitted from plenty of extras…but with our top order at the moment we will take them where we can get them!  We still ride high at the top of the division thanks to a game in hand, but with winning 3 out of 4 it is definitely a great start to the season and a trend we hope to continue this week against Huish and Langport.

      

Bowling:                             o             m            r              w

T Barton               12           1              42           3

J Rowe                 12           4              25           2

B Chant                 3            0              21           1

C Hansen              6             0              23           1

S Churchill            12           0              76           1

Batting:

                S Gillatt                42*

                C Hansen             35

                F Barton              28

                B Chant               20*

So, happy hunting all and I will see you next week on the field of battle,

Skip

2010 - Game 3 - Sat 08/05 - KSCC 1s v Huntspill and District

                The night seems eternal.  The sun is asleep, hidden behind a thick blanket of cloud and air thick with the threat of rain and misery.  The hunter turns it’s gaze from the chilled, submerged heavens to focus on it’s prey.  Its instincts are well honed.  It has seen this battle many times before.  With practised ease it surveys the landscape.  Hidden there, white against a white frosted background lies the rest of the pack.  A whistle, a low rumbling growl and a wave of the hunters paw and the pack shifts into their new positions.  There will be no escape this time.  The hunter makes its move.  The arctic air reaches deep into its throat and emerges steam.  The approach is slow at first, gathering balance, before moving into a charge.  The prey raises it’s head and shuffles.  To look into the eye of the hunter is to look into depths of eternal suffering, the darkness of the clouds reflected in those empty pits of despair. Suddenly, there is a grunt of effort.  A flash of red.  A unified scream of passionate celebration from the pack.  The bail is dislodged.  The batsman trudges back to the pavillion, grateful for the warmth it will provide in this desolate hour, on this desolate green.

-          Excerpt from Cricket : A Splendid Joyous Day in the English Summertime        

Some days, even the most avid of cricketers decides that the best course of action is to leave the kit bag in the spare room, turn the heating on and settle down to a day of pretending the outside world doesn’t exist.  With  a light drizzle persisting, the forecast predicting that even the mercury wasn’t going to get out of bed and the groundsman unable to shuffle the penguins off the square….not many people were that keen to stand outside all day.  Despite conditions, KSCC were on a high from a cracker of a start to the season and were still keen to get a game in.  With the captains accepting that we would have to play with water in the air, Huntspill won the toss and sent KSCC in to bat.  The wicket was still looking pretty good.  The top surface was slightly damp from the drizzle but the new roller has ensured that the Kilmington wicket is probably hard enough to withstand a direct nuclear strike these days.

Hansen and Williams strode to the wicket, while the remainder of the team huddled in the pavilion and started identifying items that might be used to build a fire.  Considering that, most weeks, El Kapitan is more than happy to cut anything more off-side than the square leg umpire, it was with great surprise that he chose to try and pull a short ball well wide of off stump from the first ball of the second over.  The miscue was duly caught and he wandered back to the pavilion to contemplate such an instant reversal of fortune.  Ray and Ant then set about moving into cruise control, moving at just over 4 runs an over and looking like they had a pretty good handle on what was a fairly bouncy pitch for our square.  The problem with cruise control is that you still have to hold onto the steering wheel or you may end up in a hedge that wasn’t in your original travel plans.  Ant, Ray and The Professor all conspired to hand their wickets over while looking reasonably comfortable.  However, as proven last year, there are still plenty of runs in the Kilmington lineup all the way down.  New boy Guy Vere-Nicoll took the game to the opposition with his innovative PlantFoot-Whack technique, but he also found himself back in the hutch before his time, along with the wily Jason Lapham.  It was down to Sammy G and the ringer with the brightest hat in modern cricket, Jamie Hope, to begin the rearguard action.  Jamie was then joined by Freddie Barton who established an important partnership taking Kilmington to a competitive total.  Jamie worked the gap at cover to perfection and Freddie looked typically busy and creative.  However, the last 3 wickets fell quickly and the previously impressive KSCC batting unit had been dismissed for 140, well inside 40 overs, by a fairly average Huntspill bowling unit.

No one died at tea of food poisoning or frost bite, so everyone was able to resume for the second innings.  Huntspill were also keen to stay huddled in the pavilion and it is not surprising.  I couldn’t find enough layers of clothing in my cupboard to make we warm enough to stand at first slip.  Tommy B’s first spell was economical, quick, threatening…and wicketless.  Tom was simply too good for the opposition batsmen who played and missed time and again but managed to get bat on anything straight.  Meanwhile, The Professor was rejuvenated and agreed to bowl up the hill after being bold-faced bribed with the new ball.  After getting clattered for 4, he replied as per his captains instructions and sealed the first wicket of the day, clean bowled.  The opening bowlers were keeping a clamp on things but the Skipper decided to make a change and brought himself on for another cameo spell (it’s hard to injure yourself when you only bat for a couple of deliveries).  There was instant success, followed by a great stumping by Rayzzo (the second off Hansen for the year, which may mean Your Brave Leader™ may have to officially hand in his fast bowlers license).  Another fell and KSCC were back in the game against a weakened Huntspill outfit.  Anter took a wee bit of tap, but the introduction of the spinners saw the screws applied.  Typically, just as The Destroyer was about to be deployed a light rain began to fall, slicking up the ball.  This was no challenge for the Master though…nor his Apprentice!  Spencer and Freddie bowled great spells, both showing guile and accuracy.  Runs were hard to come by and wickets were coming fairly regularly.  Jon Rowe took a great one handed catch to dismiss the worst Indian cricketer in the game today, Ray took another snick standing up to the stumps to get rid of the oppositions top scorer, and, when Ant also took a sharp close in chance, the game was on.  Freddie bowled no 10 past his pads and suddenly, the game was a thriller.  Huntspill were hanging on and the game moved into the last over, to be bowled by the stifling Tommy B.  One over, one wicket, 4 runs.  The Huntspill number 7 sized up the situation and realised that the only way to go was all guns blazing.  It was gutsy, and in the end proved the right choice.  He struck a pair of 2’s that saw his team home with 2 balls to spare in what had turned into a fantastic game of cricket.

Batting:

                J Hope                  26

                R Rose                  23

                F Barton               17

                G Vere-Niccoll    17

                A Williams           15

Bowling                                             o             m            r              w

C Hansen                             5              1             15           3

F Barton                              11           3              38           3

S Churchill                           9              1              29           2

J Rowe                                6              1              17           1

T Barton                              11.4        4              17           0             

                  

                It was disappointing to lose to a team that we looked stronger than, but the game turned into a ripper and everyone seemed quite happy afterwards.  The effort in the second innings was great.  Spencer bowled as well as he has for quite a while, Freddie B bowled an impressively mature long spell all the way to the end and Tommy B deserved to get far more in the wicket column (17 off nearly 12 overs when also bowling at the death..4 came off the last over…was simply outstanding).

                We let ourselves down in the batting department and we will be looking to get back to winning ways this weekend against North Curry.

Until then!

Skip