The State of Dictatorships in Cricket

Naturally, with the current state of upheaval across North Africa and the Middle East, people have been turning to me to ask what this means for the general state of dictatorships across the world.  Like winemakers crafting fine wine, there are subtle differences in every successful dictators methods that create a product that stands on it's own despite the common ingredients, to dance on the palate and leave an experience so divine that they defy explanation and leave their people demanding more.  This can only be gained through embracing that delicate balance between tradition and experimentation, tip toeing the knifes edge of innovation and solid grounding.

It is this which sets me apart from my colleagues in warmer climes.  The first of my changes to the traditional model of iron fisted dictatorship was to introduce a new, more subtle style of dominance.  Quite often, opposition teams are completely unaware that I am leading my men on the field.  They appear at first to be doing as they wish...commanding the field, electing when they want to bowl and occasionally hiding my trousers in the large oak tree.  However, this is merely superficial!  At the very core of every thought they have are those questions which are most critical to our success : What would El Capitan wish me to do?  What would El Capitan wish me to think?  Where are all the egg sandwiches?  It is with this knowledge that I am able to remove myself from the tedium of micro-managing every aspect of my Empire and to retreat to fine leg where I may be found singing out orders that are interpreted and followed to the very letter by my trusted men, despite their actions seemingly contradicting my commands.  It is this understanding, a measure of their intensive training/brainwashing and complete trust in my dominance, that is key to our tactical success on the field of battle.

The second key to a long term dictatorship is to ensure that the square that forms the centrepiece of your great dominion is not so large as to support large gatherings.  I would recommend a square no more than 6 pitches wide, though an additional astroturf wicket may be added to this if required without too much danger.  It is not only the size of the square that counts, but by which means it is defended from these ne'er-do-wells.  While an angry mob might happily stand up to a water cannon or armoured tank, very few have the immense courage required to confront an angry groundsman on a heavy roller, pipe smoking voraciously, leaving as an aftermath the smell of fear and Old Dublin in the air.

So, I have no worry that such uprisings may find their way here to to the fields of Kilmington and Stourton.  While my command remains absolute, measures have been taken to ensure that my reign will remain a happy one for many years to come.  For there is no man that I know who is as willing to complete the paperwork.