2010 - Game 17 - Sat 28/08 - KSCC 1s @ Fitzhead

Historical Note: I can't remember exactly, but I think that one of the frequently inaccurate reports found in the Western Gazette newspaper had listed our game as occurring the following week.

              

             It is with great regret that I write to the members and loyal fans of Kilmington and Stourton Cricket Club to report that several high profile players at the club have been implicated in match fixing in the Somerset Cricket League.  The revelations first came to light as the result of a sting conducted by the Western Gazette’s team of crack sports journalists.  An excerpt from the half-page spread is included below:

Reacting to a tip-off, the paper contacted Club Spokesman Derren French on Sunday, August 29, 2010 and questioned if he was able to provide the result for the forthcoming fixture for KSCC 1’s against Fitzhead, to be played the following week.  Mr French initially played coy, even going as far as suggesting the match had already taken place on the previous day.  Accepting that this is code generally used in the underground gambling scene, the Western Gazette were then able to garner from Mr French a series of details for what would happen in the match in question.  Such is the unscrupulously deep corruption at the club, Mr French was able to provide information around the weather, the result of the toss, individual player scores and eventually the final result.  The Western Gazette can exclusively reveal that ALL of these supposed predictions proved to the 100 percent accurate!  When questioned further, Mr French confidently announced that he had already spoken with club captain Chris Jensen and that he had confirmed that these were the facts.  It is clear that in order for all of these events to have occurred as predicted, it would require more than just the involvement of the Austrian opener, and that the fix must extend to vice captain John Rhodes and beyond.  Certainly, it calls into question certain events in the past that have drawn raised eyebrows from the pundits in the scorers box, including but not limited to:

·         Dunhill Burnes bowling a ball that bounced twice to take a wicket during a match in 2009

·         Club chairman David Beertown bowling in the closing overs of a tight fixture against Huntspill in 2008

·         Sheik Jules el Cosbib failing to take a catch in SCL matches in 2010 (but then taking one of the catches of the season in the Hamstrings Six-a-side competition immediately following)

·         Wicketkeeper Raylene Rose failing to eat an egg sandwich during tea in a match against Bagborough in 2009

In 2007, captain Charles Handspan was implicated in a similar scandal when he was found to have bowled more than twice as many leg side wides in a league season than any other bowler in the whole of England.  At the time, no charges were laid.  However, he wrote in his autobiography released in serial form in the Blackmore Vale later that year, that he had “a hard time with wicketkeepers” and that he thought that one “may have run over (his) dog when (he) was little.”

When contacted by the Western Gazette, the board of the SCL were quite clear that “Kilmington and Stourton First XI will not take part in any league fixtures for the rest of 2010”.  The Western Gazette applauds this hard line approach and it is surely a sign that this sort of thing will not be tolerated in our fair game.

With only 3 points required to guarantee second spot for the end of the season, KSCC turned up at relegated Fitzhead to be confronted with an interesting ground.  The outfield sloped alarmingly away from the green and soft wicket in all directions towards the rather short looking boundaries.  Fitzhead won the toss and chose to bat...which suited us fine.

The first ball was delivered by The Destroyer as the captain set about mucking around with the usual course of events.  Spenny started with a tidy little spell, conceding only 1 run from 3 overs...unheard of!  From the other end El Capitan delivered one over of dross, but was helped out enormously by the batsman who chose to kick a leg side full toss onto his stumps.  Anter then trundled in for his first proper spell of the year and mixed up the good and the bad.  The real fireworks came from the first over of Livewire Benny, who delighted his captain while also nearly scuppering his plans for the day.  Ben bowled his best over of the year to blast through 3 batsman!  He sealed the 3^rd vital point to bring about handshakes all round, then was promptly removed from the attack by Your Brave Leader(TM) lest he get the remaining 6 wickets in his next 6 balls.  The ball, the wickets and the plaudits were passed around the rest of the squad, with everyone except Ray, Snooky and Tommy B getting an over in.  Tom Reid took a good over the shoulder catch, but the rest was pretty straightforward fare as Fitzhead limped their way to 135 all out.  Benny came back into the attack to fire out another 3 batsman and returned what must surely be career best figures of 6/6 from 7 overs..and if they aren’t I will be demanding a “please explain” for some of his less delightful spells this year.  It was well deserved and capped off a good finish to the season for the orange haired lad.

The reconfigured top order proved to be slightly less successful.  Tommy B missed a straight one early, Snooky’s brain melted and Spence failed to nurdle for long.  Rayzzo and The Sheik steadied the ship with a good partnership that included a few sixes.  The Professor managed a flurry of boundaries, but Tom Reid and The Anternator came and went quickly.  All of a sudden, we were getting in deep.  However, Biffer Burles stepped in and clouted the ball hard and long.  His 4 sixes and a four ended the game as a contest...one massive six was so premeditated he was winding up for it before the previous one had even been found in the trees.  There was some late excitement as The Professor fell, but the Livewire wrapped up the game with a 4 and signalled the start of the celebrations.

It turned into a long night (and equally painful Sunday) at the Bell and Crown, but it was a celebration thoroughly deserved as KSCC cut straight through Division 3 at the first attempt.  Middlezoy topped our table for the second year running but we can take great solace in that we will have a chance to have another crack at them next year.  Fellow rivals Wincanton finished third, and only time will tell if we find ourselves playing them next year.

Congratulations everyone, you have done your club proud and I look forward to another great season in 2011 playing Division 2 cricket.

Over and out,

Skip

2010 - Game 16 - Sat 21/08 - KSCC 1s v Curry Rivel

It has become a hallmark of my illustrious and well-documented captaincy to take hold of perfectly decent fast bowlers, take them quietly aside and turn them into batsmen.  When our side lines up this Saturday, it is entirely likely that 3 of the top 4 batsman will have been opening the bowling for their respective clubs 3 or 4 years ago.  It might be possible to classify this approach as being bit of a one trick pony, and that I should probably have come up with another idea by now...but I dare say that it is in perfect harmony with my on field captaincy and, at the very least, the pony has had its feed laced with LSD and been presented with a high dive board and an Olympic swimming pool of raspberry jelly.  Never one to come up with an idea of my own, this game plan was formulated years ago while reading an extremely early draft of the Unauthorised Biography of Sir Donald Bradman, written by beleaguered sports journalist James Horsfield.  Having recently had his Unauthorised Biography of Fred Trueman rejected by several publishing companies for containing very little in the way of historical fact, he immediately set about using the last half of his notebook for his comprehensive review of the life of the greatest batsman to play the game.  His writing style presented certain challenges to the reader, including his inclination to write between the lines of his previous manuscript and refusing to use names of people or places, dates or, indeed, any specifics that would produce any identification of anything whatsoever.  However, I was able to eventually piece together some of the more revealing and insightful observations his research had uncovered, not least of all the stunning fact that, prior to captaining The Invincibles in 1948, Australia’s most revered sporting hero had completed a full career in Yorkshire as one of the most feared fast bowlers in county cricket!  Astonishing!  It was at this point in time, I realised that the modern professional game had stymied this sort of inspirational stuff....and that it was time for a new order.

      Thanks to some amazingly fortuitous downpours the previous week, which had rained off all of the games of note in our division on the weekend that we were sitting on our backsides with 35 points in the bag after the rearranged fixture played in April, KSCC found themselves with the opportunity to all but secure second spot and promotion.  Curry Rivel arrived having been incumbent in the position for most of the year but had found themselves on the wrong side of recent results and in need of a win to get back in the 3 horse race between KSCC, Wincanton and themselves.  Rain had been milling about all week, but heroic groundsman/chairman/second team captain/juniors coach/team plumber Dave Barton had made use of the new covers and we were presented with a very decent wicket indeed.  Curry Rivel won the toss and elected to send us in.

      For the first time all season, the KSCC top 3 were all in the hutch early on.  El Capitan was clean bowled attempting to cut the young medium pacer.  Those in the know were not surprised.  Charlie Pelham clipped one straight to the fielder and The Sheik found that he had bribed the wrong official when he found himself unfairly triggered out by the umpire, comprehensively bowled.  Livewire Benny started his innings with the sort of calm concentration that he has become renowned for...the sort that could at anytime involve the arrival of a white van and the donning of a straight jacket and gag.  However, it just takes a few overs and the feeling of ball on willow for the young lad to get in the groove, and, with the serene Biffer Burles at the other end, a partnership started to take form.  With a mix of cricket shots and brutal swings across the line, both batsman pushed the field back and began to apply some real pressure on the bowling side.  Over 24 overs, the pair compiled an accomplished 113 runs, put into perspective by the sluggish and water laden outfield.  Biffer Burles in particular chose that day of all days to hit some gorgeous drives along the carpet which were hit as hard as any ball I have seen hit...only to have them pull up short of the long Kilmington boundaries.  It took something very special to break the partnership...Duncan copped a ball that would have cleaned up anyone as the young pacer came in from wide of the crease, pitched it on middle just short of a length and straightened it outside the edge of the bat and through the top of middle.  It was a superb ball and the end of an extremely important 48.  Soon after, his partner in crime was also cleaned up...Livewires 68 backed up his score the previous week and proved that he is capable of scoring quick runs anywhere in the order...but don't tell him that or he won't stop talking about it.  From such heady heights, the innings collapsed in a heap.  Kilmington’s last 5 wickets tumbled in 4 overs and a promising recovery was lost.  All out for 186 in the last over.  Certainly not the highest of scores, but workable in the damp conditions.

      During the break, the sun came out and dried everything....not the plan.  Tommy B and Snooky started pretty well against the Curry top order that had, on previous exposure, destroyed all before them.  They shared a double breakthrough as The Strangler trapped one in front and then Tommy B routed the out of position number 3 for a duck.  There are some big lads in the Curry Rivel team, and one of them dispatched the last of Tommy’s first spell overs for a few, including a thumping six well into cow corner (complete with real cows) that had even Biffer Burles standing in admiration.  Snooky completely undid Mr Jolly Nice Man with a corker of a swinging slower ball yorker.  The batsman was all over the place.  Spence entered the fray with a couple of welcome maidens and then played a masterful game of cat and mouse with his captain.  Twice he was hammered for big runs only to reply with a wicket...a truly professional effort at stringing his skipper along for as long as possible.  One of the wickets came courtesy of a stunning catch at cow corner by Marley Pelham, going full stretch at height on the boundary to take a screamer.  The Golden Boy could learn a trick or two from the approach of his more senior counterpart.  Freddie went early with a wicket in his first over but then fired down a series of seemingly random deliveries and found himself replaced by the return of his brother.  At this stage, KSCC were looking for the kill after eliminating the dangerous top order.  Though he was accurate and extremely frugal, Tommy B failed to secure the required wickets.  However, his tight spell had kept us in the game.  It came down to The Professor from the top end and Your Brave Leader(TM) from the bottom to try and secure victory.  Curry Rivel's keeper and young quick had batted with complete control to take the upper hand in the chase, but both self destructed within 2 overs.  The keeper was out for 48 top edging a cut from the bowling of El Capitan, and then the youngster played an unnecessary shot at Jonny to give Spence his second catch in a handful of deliveries. Try as they might, the Curry tail were unable to gather the 5 an over required thanks to some tight bowling and, to be honest, some missed opportunities.  It came down to the last over...Jonny bowling his cutters and the last man standing trying to swing everything to leg and missing.  The last ball came with 6 required to win...and the Official Designated Hero of The Club Jonny Rowe cleaned him up to grab the 10th wicket, 34 points and huge victory.

Batting:

      B Chant           68

      D Burles          48

Bowling                 o     m     r     w

      J Rowe            5     0     21    3

      S Snook           10    3     31    2

      S Churchill       11    3     49    2

      C Hansen          2     0     4     1

      T Barton          12    1     37    1

      F Barton          5     0     26    1

2010 - Game 15 - Sat 07/08 - KSCC 1s v Lydford

                Well, it had to happen sometime.  Writers block.  Where in years before the length of the cricket season was usually measured by the number of rainy weeks that occupied the interval between the sunny periods immediately before and after the season itself, I must now measure this period of time by the number of consecutive reports I can write before running out of inspiration.  While the Somerset Cricket League is yet to approve this seemingly arbitrary measurement of the seasons length, there is precedent to fall back on....and cricket, as we well know, is a game founded on tradition and precedent.    It is a common misconception that the Timeless Test’s played up until 1939 were so called because of the fact that they were not limited by time.  This, however, is a horribly simple misconception founded on the uneducated mob who read the cricket column in the daily rags in the hope that they might read what Mrs Pietersen is getting up to on holiday and if there have been any shots of her in a bikini.  These Timeless Test’s were so named due to the amazing talents and single mindedness of one of the first gentlemen to sit on the MCC rules committee, Lord William Monroe Timeless.  Known for being bull-headed, egotistical and having very little in the sense of good taste, Lord Timeless was also blessed with some of the most extraordinary lungs ever donated to medical history.  In 1796 he successfully petitioned to have included the now forgotten rule 17.a, which states:

                                17.a The match shall continue so long as the officially sanctioned piper is able to play.

                Lord Timeless was duly installed as the officially sanctioned piper for the MCC and took to his duties with immediate effect with great gusto.  After only a handful of games, rule 17.b was instituted after an extraordinary general meeting of the MCC held at The Royal Imperial Hospital.

                                17.b A team shall forfeit the match if a member of the team, or a member of the teams supporters, or a member of the public that has been propositioned by team, shall in any way cause harm to the officially sanctioned piper or the equipment required for him to fulfil his duties.

                Such were his capabilities, most cricket matches finished well before Lord Timeless was willing to give it up.  This duty was passed on to his equally freakish off-spring with great family pride until September 1938 when, as part of the Munich Agreement, Prime Minister Chamberlain agreed to succumb to the request of the erratic and deeply superstitious German Chancellor to limit the playing of bagpipes to a maximum 5 consecutive days.  Thus made redundant, the last Lord Timeless made his way to South Africa and plied his trade there until he suffered a controversial accident involving a cricket stump and a flight of stairs with England only requiring 43 to win with 5 wickets in hand.

                With KSCC in the hunt for promotion and Lydford well and truly relegated, it was a game that required KSCC to knuckle down and get the job done.  The Skipper once again had the luxury of picking a strong team.  It was a bit of a cloudy day with the prospect of possible later rain.  Lydford won the toss and sent us in.

                With The Anternator sporting a pair of fire-engine red speedos and relaxing in the hot tub, mojito in hand and surrounded by bikini babes, Marley Pelham once again joined El Capitan at the top of the order.  The innings started with intense controversy as Your Brave Leader(TM) nibbled at not one, but two, away swinging balls that the opposition were convinced he had got bat on.  For his part, the Kilmington and Stourton captain claimed a lack of class and has no idea to this day whether he touched either one.  From there, he set about dispatching the bowling to all parts with a few of those shots even going where they were intended, including a couple of cracking cover drives.  Charlie Pelham struck a couple of ‘walking down the pitch’ drives as the openers put on 85 in the first 14 overs.  Unsurprisingly, El Capitan (50) was out attempting to cut as he edged behind a pretty average delivery.  The Sheik and Marley then combined for another useful partnership and kept the ball rolling.  Charlie (52) was undone by the medium pacer and then a classy looking Jules (20) once again found himself walking back to the pavilion a few short.  Mr Burles surprised no one by leaning back and smashing a few in an entertaining 41.  All the while, Livewire Benny (42) was accumulating a nice little innings from number 4 and he and The Professor (21) shared a short partnership before a mini-collapse in the chase for quick runs.  Further controversy ensued as Rayzzo was put under immediate investigation by the betting authorities swinging over a straight one for a golden duck.  The end of the innings was injected with life when a testosterone fuelled Freddie Barton dispatched 3 big sixes and piled on 18 in the second last over.  The innings closed on 263 for 8 with plenty of useful partnerships and contributions along the way...a solid team effort indeed.

                Tommy B found the early breakthrough in the second innings.  He and Snooky once again combined as the perfect foils and ensured that the Lydford innings never got too far off the ground.  While Tommy steamed in over after over, The Strangler served up an interesting concoction of maidens, four balls and a couple of wickets, including a neat caught and bowled.  The Golden Boy proved that testosterone is made for big hitting and not slow bowling by having one of his off days....his overs in the scorebook look like a mostly completed Sudoku.  However, The Destroyer chose that same day to wheel out the good stuff.  He and Ray combined to have number 3 stumped for 52 and then his partner in crime lbw for 32.  From there, the Lydford resistance was minimal.  Marley had his long awaited chance at his hat trick which was still outstanding from last year, but to no avail.  And so it was time to bring Tommy B back into the fold to wrap things up.  He was too fast and too accurate for the remaining bodies and he fired his way through the tail, doing some serious damage to the stumps on the way, to reach a deserved five-fa.

Batting:

                C Pelham             52

                C Hansen             50

                B Chant                42

                D Burles               41

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

                T Barton               9              2              14           5

                S Churchill           7              2              25           3

                S Snook                9              3              25           2

2010 - Game 14 - Sat 31/07 - KSCC 1s v Long Sutton

                Every lad or lass who has ever held a cricket bat (in anything other than self-defence) has dreamed of hitting the winning runs from the last ball of the game.  The feeling of adulation so toxic, so unforgettable, that you would more often than not take a while to realise that you were meant to be home from the park by now and it’s getting quite dark and your mum is going to be very, very mad indeed and, even if you do escape being grounded, it is very unlikely that you will be allowed to stay up and watch Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century tonight (oh Colonel Wilma Deering, be mine forever!).  In those days, Jimmy Smith-from-up-the-roads backyard replaced the mighty acreage of the fabled Kilmington and Stourton Cricket Ground and the rows of spectators/cows were played by Jimmy’s cat and a girls shoe that had got stuck in the big tree last week (it was the only way I could express my fervent love for Jimmy’s neighbour, Lola)....but I knew that, one day, I would take my place standing out there, in front of Stourhead House, ready to live all my wildest dreams.  “Three off the last ball!” Jimmy cried and then ran in from his fearsome 300 yard run up that required him to circumnavigate the house several times (things could take a while if he had to climb over the side gate).  Then, for the last time, I saw him round the corner of the house and steam in to the wicket...the tennis ball left his hand with such velocity that I could hear it screaming in fear and then WHACK!  The ball travelled off the bat as fast as it arrived and hurtled straight at the cat on the fence...at that point, any result was still possible.  We had established the rule last summer that if it came off the cat and back into the backyard it was still in play, except if it was still lodged in the cat which constituted the award of 1000 runs to the batsman (which was yet to happen in the entire history of our game).  Luckily, the cat was swift and the ball went sailing past and into next doors pool!  Six and THE WIN!  I was the Champion Cricket Player of the World!  I thought there would never be a better day in my life at that point.  What could get better than this?  Of course, an argument ensued about whether the six and out rule meant that the six counted first or the wicket, which then involved me having to explain to mum why my new t-shirt now sported a giant mulberry stain vaguely in the shape of “Chris is Stinky”, but what a feeling!  Of course, with today’s give-it-to-me-now-for-nothing generation you are more likely to hear the batsman reply “Last ball, none to win!”, but for those certain few that still dream of donning the claret red cap of the KSCC, it is these moments they hope to one day live out on the biggest stage of all, Kilmington and Stourton (Somerset Cricket League Division 3).

                After a couple of comprehensive wins bowling first, the KSCC captain had no problems making his decision to deliberately lose the toss and, in an amazing game of triple-bluff, allow the opposition captain to invite us to bowl.  He was unsure as to how much assistance there would be for the quicks with some cloud hanging about but not necessarily enough to warrant a no-brainer decision.

                While by no means a disaster, Tommy B and The Strangler failed to exert the same sort of dominance in the opening overs that they had enjoyed over the previous 2 weeks.  The odd 4-ball found itself creeping in and, despite some tight overs, the Long Sutton openers were able to keep the scoreboard moving.   The enigmatic Lazaridis tried to  uppercut a pacey bouncer from Tommy B over the keeper only to get a thick edge that flew fast just over Ray for 4.  Unable to learn his lesson (something I can sympathise with as a constant repeat offender at the batting crease), he tried it again a couple of balls later and Ray snaffled it up for the first wicket.  The second wicket came with the first change up the hill...Your Brave Leader(TM) trapping his man right in front from his first ball.  From there the spell went downhill in a hurry as true quality shone through and runs were found in all directions.  Livewire Benny bowled a fairly decent set of overs from the top as well but the scoreboard was still clicking over on a regular basis.  It was time for the spin twins.  The Destroyer looked a little out of sorts but, as always, threatened with his beguiling mix of the rubbish and the brilliant.  However, it was the Golden Boy who kept his team in the game.  Bowling a wide line and turning it so far it nearly came backward, he found his way straight through the dangerous Long Sutton skipper and rattled the off peg.  A few overs later, he repeated the dose to spark a magic patch for KSCC.  Freddie bowled 3 batsman in 3 overs and The Destroyer also disturbed the timbers to pull Long Sutton back.  On the other hand, their opener Chris Vigar continued to bat on and battered a few balls to the boundary in the process, including a fair few sweeps right out of the middle.  Seemingly oblivious to what was going on around him, El Capitan stayed with the same plan until he eventually decided to bring back his number one bowler....and Tommy B did not disappoint, rifling his way through the last 3 batsman in 2 overs and capturing the last wicket from the last ball of the innings.  Vigar had carried his bat through the innings in a masterful 119 in a total of 216.  His cause was assisted by some very average fielding and a couple of dropped chances that should have been taken easily (<names of fielders deleted to protect the identity of the captain>).

                The tea was magnificent, although it tasted slightly of Science, and the Skipper strolled out to the middle with the Anternator wondering if maybe that last bit of cake was a little unnecessary.  Anternator was back looking for a second helping early on and was joined only a handful of overs later by The Forgotten Man, Charlie Pelham.  The Sheik and The Shocker then set about reconstructing the innings in a very much steady-as-she-goes style.  Unfortunately, after a couple of delightful driven boundaries, The Sheik fell for the old “long fast bowlers run up, slow bowlers delivery speed” technique of the village change bowler and offered up a caught and bowled.  Livewire Benny immediately created some excitement at the wicket and gave the run-rate a jolt but also disappeared fairly quickly trying to defend one.  It was at this point that El Capitan was already wondering what effect this loss would have on their season.  The sight of The Professor coming to the wicket historically spelt certain doom for our opponents, but he hasn’t been enjoying the best of seasons in 2010.  From the start, however, he was positive and creamed a couple of cover/off drives that reminded his many fans (a few stragglers from Derren French’s hordes of groupies) of the days of yore.  Once again it was about consolidation.  Somehow, El Capitan reached the 50 mark and immediately remarked to The Professor that he had no idea how he had managed it.  It was about this time that Jonny looked to up the tempo a bit and kept the required rate from getting out of control.  It was in the 40^th over that the true fireworks began.  The Professor unleashed his secret WMD and battered the bowler for 21 in that over to bring us back in contention, with every shot was creamed straight off the middle of the bat....it was enough to reduce his captain to tears (no, no, I’m OK...I think I have something in my eye, just give me a minute and I’ll be OK...(oh Jonny how I have missed you)).  El Capitan responded to the call with an emotional 9 off the next and it was game on.  From there both batsman scrambled to keep the board ticking over and, when the Skipper pulled a 4 behind square off the last ball of the 44^th over, it came down to The Professor and a measly 7 runs required for victory with 6 wickets in hand.  He did his job with a quick 2 and then a single to reduce the game to 4 runs from 3 balls.  At this point, Your Brave Leader(TM) used all of his cricketing experience to attempt to sweep the medium pace outswinger and plain missed everything (and was lucky not to lose his middle stump doing it).  The next ball he was able to relieve the pressure by mistiming a big hoik and skying the ball miles into the air only to have mid-on fumble the chance and allow a single.  And so this is how it came down to The Professor Jonny Rowe taking strike, an apologetic captain at the other end, requiring 3 from the last ball to win the game.  The ball came and he middled it out to deep cover in the air.  There was a man out there and he dashed to his right and...at that point...anything could have happened.  If the ball was caught, we lose.  If the ball was stopped or dropped, we would have to attempt a possibly suicidal second to tie.  However, the ball was agonisingly wide from the fielder and travelled over the boundary for 4 and the win.  It was magnificent and, that day, Little Jonny Rowe lived his dream.

                So fine, it wasn’t actually me who hit the winning runs but I was out there!  OK, so it’s not the same and I blew two chances to win the game myself but I am sure that Jonny agrees that it’s just a kid thing and doesn’t really feel very special at all so I haven’t missed out on anything at all, right....right?

                With that stirring win, we moved into outright second (minus our 35 points we earn in a couple of games time) and a real chance to earn promotion again....come on boys!

Bowling:                               o             m            r              w

T Barton               9              0              32           4

F Barton               11           0              47           4

C Hansen             3              0              16           1

S Churchill           10           0              66           1

Batting:

                C Hansen             97*

                J Rowe                  65*

                J Cosby                 20

                B Chant                13           

2010 - Game 13 - Sat 24/07 - KSCC 1s @ Huish and Langport

                In its hey day, the beaches of Gadani were an amazing scene.  Swarms of workers....mostly uneducated, unwashed and underpaid....descended upon the great behemoths of the ocean and reduced them to a tumble of scrap.  The once mighty ships sitting upon the sandy shoreline, towering goliaths now stranded in unfamiliar territory and with their imperious majesty dented through this unexpected translocation, were no match for the tenacity, honed skill and greedy efficiency of their bustling predators.  These men toiled day and night because they had nothing else.  Their only role in life was find the biggest thing they could find and bring it down.  On their brief spells away from the beach they appeared a rabble.  An unsightly and disorganised bunch with few visible signs of civilised tendencies.  The similarities with the Kilmington and Stourton bowling attack could only be more evident if the shipbreakers put on their whites before starting work.

                The KSCC pace attack could be found, prior to the game, wandering up and down the Huish and Langport pitch looking for signs of weakness.  At least this week it was without the powerhouse pre-game training rituals of North Curry making us look like guys out looking for the pub rather than a vaunted cricket side.  Things looked....interesting.  After the previous weeks blazing performance from his bowling unit, the Skipper elected to bowl upon winning the toss.

                Tommy B opened up proceedings with a series of very tight overs.  Getting back to full pace, the H+L openers were on the back foot from the beginning.  Tommy threatened constantly and the only notable runs from his first 5 overs was a 4 that flew between keeper and slip.  Taking a couple of overs to get settled, Snooky fell into his usual rhythm and began to build pressure.  There is not much more to say about the next 10 overs except that they were superb.  Those 10 overs contained 7 maidens and 3 wickets.  Snooky earned his through an outside edge to Rayzzo and an lbw that was a perfect setup.  Tommy B had a regulation slips catch sent to the safest hands in the business, those of his partner in crime The Strangler himself.  From there, the innings never really recovered.  A reluctant Missing in Action Harris (later to be found flirting with the local feline population while out sweeping the boundary) came onto bowl with pundits and team mates alike little surprised by another random turn from their enigmatic if slightly delusional leader.  However, Sammy H proved he is more than just walking cat nip by producing a challenging little spell of trademark booming inswing and a wee bit of extra bounce.  The extra bounce proved the difference, grabbing the wicket of their no. 4 thanks to a great take by Rayzzo.  The endless stream of seamers then continued with The Other Tom and El Capitan.  No Ball And No Boots Reid found the stumps but he had overstepped and then had a fairly easy chance put down by The Sheik, who still remains convinced that catching cricket balls may prevent him from entering Paradise.  The Skipper had a couple of deliveries appear to go straight through the wickets, but unfortunately The Professor was off studying The Mutation of the Cornish Grass Fly in Cornish Campsites (to be found in his riveting summer blockbuster, Mutations I Found While On Holiday and 500 Other Things You May Not Find Interesting) over the weekend and was unavailable to give his professional opinion.   But, finally, it was time to stop messing around and wheel out The Destroyer and The Golden Boy.  Spence waltzed his way through the middle order and Freddie found prodigious turn.  H+L tried to close up shop but you can’t keep out Spence when he is on his game.  Despite giving the impression that his arm might fly off at any given point in time, he turned and twisted and roared in appeal, finding his way to a five-for that included an amusing slip catch to Snooker that came off the back of the batsman’s sweeping blade.  Freddie’s wicket was part-skill-part-self-preservation as he took a blistering caught and bowled (rumours abound that The Chairman has refused to insure Golden Boys face and hair for £5mil as Freddie demands).  H+L were all out for 83 in a slow 38 overs.  One third of the overs were maidens and every wicket was a bowlers wicket (bowled, lbw, caught behind, caught slip, caught and bowled)....no fielders required thanks!

                The reply was started with Your Brave Leader(TM) and everyone’s favourite permanent student, Charlie Pelham.  The early going was slow and steady with the basic plan of keeping out the dangerous Shillabeer, who was busy giving Master Pelham a right working over, and sort the runs out from the other end.  Things were meandering along quite nicely with the odd boundary.  Charlie played a sumptuous cover drive off Shillabeer and El Capitan unsurprisingly cut him for four.  H+L needed to change things up and brought on the spinner.  In an odd turn of events, The Skipper didn’t try to deposit him into cow corner and the chase continued at a comfortable pace.  However, the sedate pace of proceedings was thrown out the window by Charlie.  A bowling change from Shillabeer’s end saw a transformation in the young bounder...walking down the wicket and solidly driving the first ball for four...then repeating the dose again and then again in the next couple of balls. The party continued in the next over as he deposited the spinner for 6,0,2,4,2 to wrap up the game.  He’d left his Skipper for dead and so it is a real shame that El Capitan forgot to write the report in the Blackmore Vale and his only hope of anyone in the distant future discovering this wonderful achievement is that his captain wins some kind of literary prize for incomprehensible drivel.

                It was a huge win, setup first by our seamers and then driven home by the spin twins.  They were never in the game and it gave us the opportunity to get down the pub nice and early.  It was also a great win in that we thrust ourselves up into the 3rd on the table (taking into account our extra game) and severely dented H+L’s promotion push.

                Well done lads!

                Bowling:                               o             m               r              w

                                S Churchill           7.4           2              8              5

                                S Snook               8              4              21           2

                                T Barton               7              4              10           1

                                F Barton               6              2              11           1

                                S Harris                3              1              7             1

                                C Hansen             2              0              3              0

                                T Reid                  5              0              18           0

                Batting:

                                C Pelham             48*

                                C Hansen             28*

2010 - Game 12 - Sat 17/07 - KSCC 1s v North Curry

       There is a lot to be said for Sir Harold Twitchbottom even though, for most, this erstwhile school headmaster and Cheshire native wallows in obscurity.   It was while was doing his duty for King and Country in the smoky depths of the Shanghai opium houses at the turn of the last century that he reached fatefully into the wrong kit bag and, rather than enjoying his beloved Farmer Johnson Cheddar, proceeded to work his way through a month’s worth of school stationary supplies.    He was years ahead of his more celebrated modern peers such as Hester Blumenthal and the Kebab King in Putney, but his thesis (written mostly in a language of his own devising and allegedly scrawled on to the foreheads of passing dragons and devils) describing the relative merits of processed dairy products and gypsum compressed into sticks remains, if certainly one of the most astounding philosophical works created since the Greeks wandered around in bed sheets not because of austerity measures but because they liked it, largely unread.  Luckily, he was sharing a room with then England cricket captain Archie McLaren who realised the genius of the man and decided that what his attack really needed was have contrasting bowlers from each end.  To this day, Twitchie’s impact on modern cricket remains as vivid and, at times, terrifying as ever.

                A wee spot of rain during the week suggested that there would be a lively surface at KSCC for their clash with North Curry.  However, The Chairman had the covers on to protect against the elements and ensured that it was a hard if green deck that confronted both captains.  Winning the toss when it could do with winning for once, El Capitan promptly sent the North Curry boys in and got ready to enjoy some good bowling conditions.

                Tom Barton’s return to form seemed complete as he raced in from the top end, combining movement with blistering pace.  He was simply too quick for the men that confronted him.  Meanwhile, from the other end, the slightly less blistering (more like a foot massage) Snooky used guile and skill to leave the batsman pushing at outswingers and then chopped in half by in-duckers.  While Tommy B went as close to ripping out the middle stump as you can get at Kilmington, Snooky executed one of the best 3-ball combinations you will ever witness.  His 2 outswingers (including a dropped edge!) were followed up by the perfect off-cutter that disturbed both woodwork and batsman alike.  Already in disarray, the North Curry cause was further dented when a wandering Matt Golding found himself neatly run out at the non-strikers by the ever present Strangler off a simple forward defensive.  It was all one way traffic, the only bump being provided by North Curry strongman Midge who dispatched Tommy B for a lusty drive followed by a shock and awe style pull shot into the cows.  However, his little cameo was cut short by the genius of The Professor.  Once again, Jonny eschewed the offer of assistance from the conditions and skilfully lobbed a full bunger which Midge miscued and Tommy B moved quickly to his right at mid-off to take a great catch.  The resistance from there simply collapsed.  Spencer declared to the world that he had taken the finest catch ever seen and then proceeded to snaffle a couple of wickets of his own to close out the innings.  North Curry had been dispatched by a brilliant combination effort from Snooky and Tommy B, all out for 79.

                We turned straight around and had a bat before tea.  The Anternator and Your Brave Leader(TM) were able to watch a few overs and eased to 30 odd before we took tea, after which the action began.  As always, that action was provided by the man with the meanest drive in modern cricket, Ant Williams.  He upped the pace with a couple of blistering short arm drives and then took his chances with a big straight six over the tallest man on the field who was standing at mid-on.    His enterprising 36 broke the back of the chase but was cut short when he skied another mighty straight heave that went straight up.  Unfortunately, there are no boundary lines up that way and he was caught only a couple of meters away from where he hit it.  Jules was looking solid but he had appeared to get bogged down with his captain, who was busy trying to cut anything that came out of the bowlers hand.  Eventually, The Skipper clattered a couple of leg side boundaries and the target was within sight.  Jules edged one behind with only a couple to get, which brought Livewire Benny out to the crease for a monumental innings.  He spent all of a couple of balls standing at the non-strikers as the final runs were collected from the other end and the 35 points were placed firmly in the bag.

                North Curry didn’t turn up (except for the high energy pre-game training drills) but it was excellent stuff from our lads (who were barely on time) and we did the job required with plenty to spare.

Bowling:                               o             m            w            r

                S Snook                12           4              4              29

                T Barton               7              2              2              17

                S Churchill           3.3          2              2              7

                J Rowe                  5              2              1              13

                T Reid                    3              1              0              4

Batting:

                A Williams           36

                C Hansen             30*