Well, it had to happen sometime. Writers block. Where in years before the length of the cricket season was usually measured by the number of rainy weeks that occupied the interval between the sunny periods immediately before and after the season itself, I must now measure this period of time by the number of consecutive reports I can write before running out of inspiration. While the Somerset Cricket League is yet to approve this seemingly arbitrary measurement of the seasons length, there is precedent to fall back on....and cricket, as we well know, is a game founded on tradition and precedent. It is a common misconception that the Timeless Test’s played up until 1939 were so called because of the fact that they were not limited by time. This, however, is a horribly simple misconception founded on the uneducated mob who read the cricket column in the daily rags in the hope that they might read what Mrs Pietersen is getting up to on holiday and if there have been any shots of her in a bikini. These Timeless Test’s were so named due to the amazing talents and single mindedness of one of the first gentlemen to sit on the MCC rules committee, Lord William Monroe Timeless. Known for being bull-headed, egotistical and having very little in the sense of good taste, Lord Timeless was also blessed with some of the most extraordinary lungs ever donated to medical history. In 1796 he successfully petitioned to have included the now forgotten rule 17.a, which states:
17.a The match shall continue so long as the officially sanctioned piper is able to play.
Lord Timeless was duly installed as the officially sanctioned piper for the MCC and took to his duties with immediate effect with great gusto. After only a handful of games, rule 17.b was instituted after an extraordinary general meeting of the MCC held at The Royal Imperial Hospital.
17.b A team shall forfeit the match if a member of the team, or a member of the teams supporters, or a member of the public that has been propositioned by team, shall in any way cause harm to the officially sanctioned piper or the equipment required for him to fulfil his duties.
Such were his capabilities, most cricket matches finished well before Lord Timeless was willing to give it up. This duty was passed on to his equally freakish off-spring with great family pride until September 1938 when, as part of the Munich Agreement, Prime Minister Chamberlain agreed to succumb to the request of the erratic and deeply superstitious German Chancellor to limit the playing of bagpipes to a maximum 5 consecutive days. Thus made redundant, the last Lord Timeless made his way to South Africa and plied his trade there until he suffered a controversial accident involving a cricket stump and a flight of stairs with England only requiring 43 to win with 5 wickets in hand.
With KSCC in the hunt for promotion and Lydford well and truly relegated, it was a game that required KSCC to knuckle down and get the job done. The Skipper once again had the luxury of picking a strong team. It was a bit of a cloudy day with the prospect of possible later rain. Lydford won the toss and sent us in.
With The Anternator sporting a pair of fire-engine red speedos and relaxing in the hot tub, mojito in hand and surrounded by bikini babes, Marley Pelham once again joined El Capitan at the top of the order. The innings started with intense controversy as Your Brave Leader(TM) nibbled at not one, but two, away swinging balls that the opposition were convinced he had got bat on. For his part, the Kilmington and Stourton captain claimed a lack of class and has no idea to this day whether he touched either one. From there, he set about dispatching the bowling to all parts with a few of those shots even going where they were intended, including a couple of cracking cover drives. Charlie Pelham struck a couple of ‘walking down the pitch’ drives as the openers put on 85 in the first 14 overs. Unsurprisingly, El Capitan (50) was out attempting to cut as he edged behind a pretty average delivery. The Sheik and Marley then combined for another useful partnership and kept the ball rolling. Charlie (52) was undone by the medium pacer and then a classy looking Jules (20) once again found himself walking back to the pavilion a few short. Mr Burles surprised no one by leaning back and smashing a few in an entertaining 41. All the while, Livewire Benny (42) was accumulating a nice little innings from number 4 and he and The Professor (21) shared a short partnership before a mini-collapse in the chase for quick runs. Further controversy ensued as Rayzzo was put under immediate investigation by the betting authorities swinging over a straight one for a golden duck. The end of the innings was injected with life when a testosterone fuelled Freddie Barton dispatched 3 big sixes and piled on 18 in the second last over. The innings closed on 263 for 8 with plenty of useful partnerships and contributions along the way...a solid team effort indeed.
Tommy B found the early breakthrough in the second innings. He and Snooky once again combined as the perfect foils and ensured that the Lydford innings never got too far off the ground. While Tommy steamed in over after over, The Strangler served up an interesting concoction of maidens, four balls and a couple of wickets, including a neat caught and bowled. The Golden Boy proved that testosterone is made for big hitting and not slow bowling by having one of his off days....his overs in the scorebook look like a mostly completed Sudoku. However, The Destroyer chose that same day to wheel out the good stuff. He and Ray combined to have number 3 stumped for 52 and then his partner in crime lbw for 32. From there, the Lydford resistance was minimal. Marley had his long awaited chance at his hat trick which was still outstanding from last year, but to no avail. And so it was time to bring Tommy B back into the fold to wrap things up. He was too fast and too accurate for the remaining bodies and he fired his way through the tail, doing some serious damage to the stumps on the way, to reach a deserved five-fa.
Batting:
C Pelham 52
C Hansen 50
B Chant 42
D Burles 41
Bowling: o m r w
T Barton 9 2 14 5
S Churchill 7 2 25 3
S Snook 9 3 25 2
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