There are very few things that separate man from his other, occasionally more smelly, counterparts in the animal kingdom. Rational thought (and it's direct opposite, Kevin Pietersen), reasoning, tequila slammers, ASBO's and kebab shops come immediately to mind. But right up there, in the heady heights of human advantage, is the capability of complex communication. Stringing a series of thoughts and words together into a cohesive dialog designed to convey meaning to another human, hopefully capable of digesting and comprehending that information, elevate us above the apes, canines and snails that would no doubt conquer the world were we not able to ask for directions to the garden pesticide section at the local garden centre. However, sometimes our command of this important tool can abandon us when we most need it, leaving us babbling poppycock and gibberish (which in itself sounds suspiciously like poppycock and gibberish). Most of us have the luxury of doing this on a day to day basis with very few negative impacts on world events. However, those of us in absolute power that stand to leave an indelible mark on human history with every command and decision, observed (if occasionally ignored) by literally tens of people at any point in time, have no such luxury. Events during the week have led me to compile a small list of times when it is, and isn't, a good time for persons of high global standing to lose the ability to properly articulate:
OK to waffle:
- Childrens parties
- Royal weddings
- Superinjunction court hearings
- University lectures
- Victory speeches
Not OK to waffle:
- Burger King drive-thru
- Unilateral peace talks
- State dinners in Moldova (where sentences longer than 5 words have been banned as they are interpreted as insults against the first born daughter of the President for reasons that I have never been able to tactfully ask in such short sentences)
- Heckling
- Protesting in Syria
- Cricket selections
In a ground breaking week for Kilmington and Stourton first cricket, there were no less than 13 genuine front line first team players available for selection for the Saturday league fixture. What followed was a harrowing experience that the club would like that I have to suffer on a weekly basis, but which I secretly hope not to have to go through again. I would have preferred to have told a little girl that her puppy had died. Eventually, 11 were named for the game against Barrington at home.
Normal service was resumed on the captaining front, with a bearded and Australian sounding lout striding out to the middle to confidently lose the toss. Barringtons skipper sent us into bat on a decent looking wicket under clear skies.
As far as starts go, they could have been better. In the third over, Your Brave Leader(TM) was back in the hutch having chosen to swing all around a straight full toss. Not long after, Ballistic Tomlinson was also heading back, though he at least had the ability to get his pad in the way. Marley Pelham and The Professor Jon Rowe were left to try and clean up the mess, knuckling down against some decent bowling and showing a tremendous ability to pick out the fielders. Progress was solid, if slow, when The Professor spooned one uppishly to mid off. His replacement, Biffer Burles, was beaten a couple of times but he and Charlie took us through to drinks with the Kilmington Youth Brigade still yet to be deployed. Foolishly, Dunc listened to his captain when asked to up the tempo and was bowled playing a huge swipe straight after drinks. This led to a rather mystifying mini collapse through the high impact middle order. Livewire Chant was run out for 0, showing a new dedication to thoroughness that a risky single was accompanied by holding his bat an inch off the ground. Charlie Pelham was bowled by the left hand spinner(ish) bowler who had been showing immaculate line and length with his darts. The Golden Boy Freddie Barton had his early season form dented with a tragic run out without facing a delivery. Then Tom Barton showed he is still the most correct looking batsman to ever get out when he missed a straight one. A score of only just over 100 looked likely when the immaculate Sammy G, who looked in good nick from ball one, was joined by the frequently less immaculate (is that maculate?) Destroyer Churchill. Sammy used his feet frequently and timed the ball superbly to give the cover sweeper a workout. Meanwhile, the Destroyer relished his opportunity to shine with a delightful on drive and followed it with a Carribean uppercut over backward point. The partnership also provided some agressive running that put a dent in the confidence of the opposition, despite the insubstantial total. When Sammy was caught last ball, the partnership had been a quick and face saving 48 to take the total to 152/9 from 45 overs.
Some quality sandwiches were consumed at the break, including a sighting of the rare and wonderous BLT, not seen at a cricket tea for over 29 years if my records are correct. The resumption saw the introduction of the winters master plan, when Golden Boy opened the bowling from the bottom end. He extracted early turn but failed to garner the first ball wicket that El Capitan and dreamed of for those long, cold months. The initial instinct was to call for the firing squad, but attempting to learn from the lessons of my past I instead gave him another over. He and Tommy B provided a couple of tight overs that resulted in a classic spinners over....a long hop smashed to the boundary followed a couple of balls later with a wicket, which in turn led to the classic captianing blunder of giving him one more over than intended that went for a few. So finally, The Strangler was introduced and the two formed their normal combination. Snooky was relentless in his accuracy and Tommy B was too quick. Barrington were maintaining their wickets, but were unable to score at a fast rate as each ball was stopped by the solid ring field. In particular, Marley Pelham was throwing himself about and saved several runs. Tommy B was replaced from the top by the Destroyer, and the runs dried up even further as he used flight, guile and blood curdling appeals to keep the batsman in check. The Strangler took advantage, when he cleaned the opener up to complete 3 maidens in his first 4 overs. The lull continued for a few overs before Sammy G, in his keeping debut for the 1's, took an outstanding diving effort down leg side (after a nervous drop and missed stumping earlier) to deliver another wicket to Mr Snook. From there, the pressure proved too much for the Barrington batsman. The Strangler found the stumps again for his second wicket maiden after an intriguing cat and mouse with the batsman. Snooky popped up again, taking a superb slips catch for the Destroyer. Simon eventually collapsed in a heap after a monumental 12 over spell, claiming 14/3 and a respectable 6 maidens. Spencer continued on his memory though, claiming back to back wicket maidens and terminating any chance the Barrington middle order had of a come back. Tommy B blasted through number 10 and then the Livewire switched on. His first delivery nearly hit the clubhouse on the full without any assistance from the batsman, but his fourth legal delivery was lofted high to mid on where Charlie took a good catch to close out the innings.
So from a rather dubious looking batting effort, the KSCC bowlers delivered victory, backed up by some high quality fielding. Amongst them, Snooky, Spence and Tommy delivered 12 maidens...which is a huge number in a 45 over game. The partnership to finish our innings was also key.
Batting:
S Gillatt 34
C Pelham 31
S Churchill 23*
Bowling:
o m r w
S Churchill 12 4 27 4
S Snook 12 6 14 3
T Barton 10 2 22 1
F Barton 5 0 22 1
B Chant 0.4 0 4 1
oh how i have missed reading the great surrealist writings of our brave leader. fuck cricket become a journo you'll have more success...
ReplyDeleteto Our Brave Leader, cricket is both a mistress and a muse...
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